Yahtzee! I Win The Gold!
So there I was hoisting a few cold ones with the boys at my local watering hole. It was a Friday evening and as usual the conversation topics were all over the map, ranging from politics and movies to who would in a street fight, Toucan Sam or the Trix Rabbit. I was personally voting for Toucan Sam myself. I mean first of all that nose of his has got to be able to be used as a weapon of some sort and second of all, how can you not kick the crap out of a skinny rabbit who hasn't been able to steal one single bowl of friggin' cereal for generations? Here's a clue, go to the store and buy a box. Stupid rabbit. Eventually as the night drew on the conversation made it's way around to the Winter Olympics. We were laughing at the different events and what actually qualifies itself as an internationally recognized sport. The Luge? Tobogganing down an icy track wearing skintight jump suits. How is this a sport? I mean it's not like there's some kind of nitrous oxide pumping engine strapped to the back of the sled. Now that would be excitement. Ski Jumping? Well, I have to admit that's fairly interesting, but what would make it even more interesting is if they would have to actually jump over something. Like maybe a giant pit of lava or some school busses perhaps. "Oh, no the Russian skier has landed in the pit of ravenous arctic crocodiles! He surely won't be back for the next Olympics! At least, not with both legs!" The Biathlon? Mixing firearms with any competitive sport is an interesting concept, but of all the sports in the world to interchange it with they decide on cross-country skiing? Yawn. Ski, ski, ski. Shoot, shoot, shoot. Ski, ski, ski. I win! Who cares. As we were chuckling at these laughable sports one of my friends mentioned that in the next Winter Olympics, Bridge would be one of the new events. My ears began to burn. Bridge? The card game? I had to assume that this was some kind of silly rumour and continued to swallow copious amounts of the sweet, sweet amber nectar. But as I left the bar, all I could think about was one thing. Bridge. It can't be true. There's absolutely no way! I raced home and jumped onto the Internet to find out the truth.

It's true! Well shave my head and call me Kojak, it is absolutely true. Here's a clip from an article from a Bridge web site.

"Bridge will be a demonstration sport at the Winter Olympics in Salt Lake City next year. The news comes directly from Jose Damiani, president of the World Bridge Federation. This is a major step forward in the ongoing effort to have bridge become a full-fledged Olympic sport in time for the 2006 Winter Olympics in Turin, Italy."

Apparently a sport cannot qualify as an Winter Olympic event unless it's played on ice or snow, to which bridge enthusiasts have responded that they would be more than happy to play a game of bridge on a sheet of ice. Zoinks?! Has the world gone mad? First of all bridge is not a sport. I'm sorry it's not. A sport at least takes some physical training and a modicum of physical effort for it to qualify it as a sport. As far as I can remember, bridge does not require you to maximize your endurance or pump up those pecs in preparation for the event. I don't seem to recall any other sports that require playing cards for proper play either. I think the only requirements for playing bridge is a comfortable chair, a big fat ass, and a sharp pencil to record the points. If this is accepted as an legitimate Olympic sport, think of the can of worms it's going to open. First of all, elderly women and housewives across the country are going to be going apeshit over the fact that they could possibly qualify for an Olympic sport. I can see it now, a tear rolling down my cheek as I see my 80-year-old Aunt Agnes standing on the podium trying valiantly to bend over as they place the gold medal for the women's bridge competition around her turkey like neck. Way to go Aunt Agnes! Bring that gold home! Second, if Bridge is accepted, what's next? Snakes and Ladders? Monopoly? Clue? "Boris Vladkor from Bulgaria has won the gold for correctly guessing it was Colonel Mustard, in the study with the candle stick. Congratulations Boris, fine play." Fantastic. I can't wait.

Of course there is another side to the coin. If this is the trend for future Olympic events, this could possibly be my one chance of ever achieving my dream of winning Olympic gold. I'd better call up my Euchre partner and tell him that our training schedule starts NOW!

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