Yes, I know this years American Idol ended almost 6 months ago. What? Couldn’t find a topic any less current Mr. World-Renowned Web Columnist? Hey did you hear? JFK was assassinated why don’t you write about that? Yes, thank you for that negative inner voice, dramatically emphasized in blue, I appreciate that. But let me explain a few things before I get to the meat and potatoes of this weeks column.

First of all, I only watched the audition episode. I don’t care who you are, that’s entertainment. Seeing young, hopeful Engelbert Humperdinck’s having their hopes and dreams magnificently crushed by a panel of judges. It’s sadistic I know, but come on you can’t tell me that’s not funny. Every single episode after that one I avoided like the plague. Did not see a single one. There was no reason to. I hate the songs they sing. Every single one of them. The sugary sweet retread pop songs. The overdramatic love ballads. I’m not so totally jaded that I don’t recognize some of the songs, but to hear them sung in such a slushy, gushy, here’s my little personal touch…wait for it… ooooh hoooo hoooo wha huhhhhhhh ahhhhh crap, it just rubs me the wrong way. I can’t believe this type of musical performance/style/interpretation, whatever, can be so popular. It’s almost like it’s so secretly successful that my particular demographic would not be able to find it no matter how hard I tried. Keep it hidden from me, please. I like it like that.

The question still remains however. Why American Idol, World-Renowned Web Columnist? Why this topic? Why now? Well I’ll tell you. Just in time for the holiday season, here comes WORLD IDOL! Yes, WORLD IDOL. Winning contestants from Idol contests across the globe are getting together in London, England to decide something. Season one Idol winners from Poland, Canada,United States, Belgium, Australia, South Africa, Germany, the U.K., the Netherlands, Norway and Lebanon (yes, Lebanon) are getting together for a good old fashioned sing off! Whoo hoo! It’s gonna be great! And now here’s Germany’s Alexander Klaws singing Smokey Robinson and the Miracles big hit, The Tears of a Clown!

“NOW if der ist a smile on my face, it ist only der trying' to fool der pooblic…oh ya! Deutschland ist in der haus! Oooby, dooby, wooby, scooby…”

If you try to imagine the above quote being sung in an Arnold Schwarzenegger accent, it is much funnier.

A World Idol competition! Singer’s from the around the world pitting their glorious voices against each other in heated battle for the title of WORLD IDOL. Do you know what this reminds of? Bloodsport! Except instead of martial arts experts you’ll have a bunch of sweaty, foreign singers and instead of the touch of death technique you’ll have the over exaggerated, sustained, never ending final note to a song that sounded one hundred thousand times better performed by the original artist.

“…find…your…strength…in…loooooovvvvvvvvveeeeeeeeeeeeeee”