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| You Want Me To Do What? | |||||||
| There's
a bit of sweat emerging on my furrowed brow. I'm having a bit of trouble
trying to come up with another scintillating topic for my latest Bold Opinion
article. Normally the topics usually strike me like a bolt of lightning
and bada boom bada bing I'm tapping away at my keyboard like a man possessed.
But not today. I need inspiration. Some divine message from the world-renowned
web columnist Gods that will get my article mojo a-workin'! Curious. I have
a sudden craving for Mexican food and my big toe on my left foot seems to
be quivering. This can only mean one thing. I'm getting another broadcast
from one of my past lives! Mysterious words from a previous life beckoning
me to channel their words so that the millions of Boldopinionites can read
their previously unheard words. I cannot refuse the call! What was that
mantra again? Oh yes
wax on
wax off
wax on
wax off
Life hasn't been easy for this world-renowned fighter pilot. After countless air battles over the Pacific I thought our victory would be assured against those dreaded round-eyed Yankees. But sadly our efforts have taken a turn for the worse. You would think that after our valiant strike against our enemies at Pearl Harbor that our efforts in the Pacific would have been unchallenged. Sadly, however, that is not the case. It has been a long, uphill battle. No matter how many enemy planes I shoot down it just doesn't seem to be enough. What's a fighter pilot to do?! Admiral Onishi has gathered my squadron together. Apparently he has a new battle plan that will inevitably bring glory to our magnificent Emperor and I can't wait to hear it. I bet he's been reading the input that I've been putting in the fighter pilot suggestion box . I wonder which one he thought was the most inspiring? Comfortable pillows in the cockpit? Bigger bullets? Oh my mind is racing! Whatever plans my glorious Admiral has in mind, you can bet I'm right there with him! Oh wait here he comes! C'mon pillows! Well needless to say my glorious Admiral didn't use any of my suggestions. In fact he went in a totally different direction. Now normally I wouldn't disagree with the choices of a superior officer but in this case I feel a bit torn. Kamikaze? Kamikaze?! Where's the logic behind that? I'm sitting there listening to my fearless leader give us a bit of a pep talk. "Men, you've been doing a great job so far. The Emperor and myself are all really proud of you. Top notch! You guys are the best! Kudos to all of you! But you all know things haven't been going very well as of late so we've decided to take a bold new direction. These big American ships are really becoming a prickly pear to our advancements in the Pacific, so here's our idea. What we want you fellas to do is load up your planes with a bunch of explosives, fly your planes in really, really close to those American warships, slam right into them and kaboom, no more battleship! The Emperor thinks it's a great idea and I have to agree." Well being the curious person that I am, I immediately put up my hand. "Uhh, excuse me Admiral. Great plan, great plan, but I was just curious how many rescue ships will be assigned to retrieve us when we eject from our planes before slamming into the American ships?" The Admiral gave me a quizzical look, kind of like the time when he ate that bad plate of sushi. "There will be no rescue ships! You will sacrifice yourself for the glory of Japan!" I was still a bit confused and I had to be absolutely clear on the whole plan. "Ahh Admiral , when you say 'sacrifice', do you mean voluntarily flying our planes into battleships causing our untimely deaths?" The Admiral didn't bother to answer my question for some reason and proceeded to hand slips of paper to the entire squadron. So here I am sitting in the barracks staring at
this piece of paper. I've been reading it over and over again for the
past hour. "Do you desire earnestly/wish/do not wish, to be involved
in the kamikaze attacks? Please circle one." Let me think about that
one. Do I want to really, really kill myself, kind of kill myself or look
like a big pussy in front of the Admiral? Man, the only reason I joined
the Air Force was to pick up chicks. I mean c'mon chicks love pilots,
trust me I know. Then all of a sudden this whole war thing starts up and
I'm dodging bullets over the Philippines. Now instead of getting fluffy
pillows for my cockpit I'm asked to take part in a suicide mission. How
the hell can this get any worse? There's no way I'm taking part in this
whole 'kamikaze' program. I may be a coward but at least I'm not dead.
I've gotta get out of here. Think I'll quit the Air Force and take that
job offer from my buddy in Nagasaki. Yeah
Nagasaki
sounds good.
Got Something You wanna say to this Guy? Say it Here! or mail to:christian@boldopinion.com Click here to see more articles by this Author
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