GXL8NT. GXL8NT. Gee echs ell eight en tee? Gixel eight ent? Geexelle-eight-ent! G-excel eight network! What the hell does this mean? I've got to figure this out. Is it an abbreviation of some kind? Gomer's extra large eight night trains? That doesn't make sense. Is it one word? GAXELLEIGHTENT! GIXELEIGHTNUT! Would you care for some warm gixeleightnuts? Oh, thank you I love gixeleightnuts, especially the green ones. Is it two words? Is it a word? Is it a message? Am I supposed to be able to decipher it? Can I buy a vowel? C'mon you're a world-renowned web columnist for crying out loud! You can figure it out. Oh wait he's getting off at the next exit. Wait don't go! I need closure! What does it mean! What does it mean! Come back gee-excellent with an eight in the middle for no goddamn reason! Come back here and explain what your vanity plate means you cryptic bastard! It has always been my policy to never write articles while driving, but when inspiration hits you've got to strike while the iron is hot.

I've never understood why someone would get a vanity plate for their car. Let me rephrase that. I understand why a person may want to get a vanity plate, but why do some of these people use this highly limited medium of communication to broadcast to all of the other motorists on the road what a gigantic lunkhead they are? You see these people on the road everywhere. Minivans with plates that read, SUPERMOM or SCCRMOM8. I find it so much more comforting to know that the vehicle that just ran me off the road is actually a mother that apparently is involved with her child's extracurricular activities or quite possibly could be vulnerable to kryptonite. Who puts their own name on their license plate? STEVE D. SUE M. Honestly, who really cares? Am I going to be driving down the boulevard, see your plate and feel I have to introduce myself to you since I already know your name? "Hey Steve D! How are you? I'm Christian! I'd just thought I'd introduce myself and congratulate you on that fantastic lane change back there…whoa, I'm about to hit a truck!" I challenge anyone to try to get their name on a license plate these days. Here's a tip, don't bother. All the names are taken. Every single one of them. Unless you come from some foreign country and your name is an unusual combination of consonants and vowels don't waste your time. But KREPTOR and GLKNIK, you drive your Lada down to the licensing office while you still have a chance! Another one of my favourites are the people who need to firmly establish that model of car they drive with the rest of us. MUSTANG. VETTE. "Say I wonder if that's a Volvo that fella is drivin' over there? I'll just get a little bit closer to confirm my suspicion…oh wait, it says VOLVO on his license plate. Thank goodness because I would never be able to tell otherwise." How about these mentally challenged individuals who have their initials on their plate? MLJ. TRV. There's no way on God's green earth that any of us would be able to decipher the name behind these initials so they must have a personal purpose to the driver exclusively. What exactly would this purpose be? I can only assume that these are people with severe memory disorders. I can see them walking out of a shopping mall, suddenly stopping and scratching their heads. "What kind of car was I driving again? I know it had four wheels and a steering wheel…must think….ummm…oh wait it had my initials on the plate! Thank goodness! Now I only have to examine every car in the parking lot…now what were my initials again?"

All of you people who want to put cutsey wutsey little names on your plate, please don't. I'm sorry LILBABY, it's just lame. GOLFMAN save your love of the game for the links not the highway. SWEETASS, don't leave me in suspense. I don't want to have to follow you home in order to satisfy my curiosity about your possibly fabulous posterior. Bumper stickers, fuzzy dice, erector set fins and flaming paint jobs are bad enough. If your going to get a vanity plate, get something that's a bit more informative. Words that can benefit us all on the roads. Something like, DRNKDRVR, BADBRKES or NONSRNCE. Otherwise just keep good old HOTSTUF in the garage.

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