Visions Of 2004
Do you realize how quick the time has gone since the year 2000? I remember the long and arduous build up to the new millennium like it was yesterday. With the scare of the Y2K computers malfunction and the turning of the calendars into the science fiction like territory of the 2000's, the arrival of that pivotal year crawled. Once it passed anti- climactically with the threat of the Y2K bug being squashed quite effortlessly, we all realized it was just another year with a lot more zeros. The allure of it being the year 2000 faded fast. Now as if in a flash, we find ourselves almost half way through the first decade of the new millennium. While we are on that topic, have we yet figured out what we are supposed to call this decade? (A la the twenties or eighties). Is this the onesies? The single digities? What gives? What decade are we living in exactly? For the sake of reflection in the future what are we supposed to call these years? Can we consult someone who lived in 1904? What did they call that? Oh wait, they called it the early 1900's didn't they? Doesn't really have a nice ring to it? It's sooo early 1900's. We will have to remedy that. I proclaim this decade the "less than tensies". You heard it here first people. But I digress.

So here we are at the dawn of 2004. Y'know, right off the top, 2004 doesn't appear to have a definitive flavour or feel to it. 1999 had a taste of Prince. People were waiting years to be able to say "I'm gonna party like it's 1999…cause it is 1999. And I'm partying!" The year 2000 was a given that it would feel unique what with it being a whole new millennium. 2001 had this awe inspiring sense of the future thanks to Stanley Kubrick. However, 2004 just seems like another year in the less than tensies (we have to say it a few times so it will stick). But that said you never know what treasures a year may hold. This is sure to be another year of resounding highs and tumultuous lows. And dare I say it, another time of change. One can never know what lies ahead once we turn over the calendar…unless of course you have the mental capacity to predict the future. Which I just happen to have.

Come on, if Nostradamus could do it is it that hard to believe I could? I can prophecize with the best people!

So for your reading enjoyment here are my twenty 2004 predictions (and you can take these to the bank jack!)

1. Right before the next U.S. presidential election, it will conveniently be announced that the Allied forces have captured Osama Bin Laden.
2. The British secret intelligence will continue their endless investigation into the death of Lady Di. (Let's move on people…let the woman rest in peace it has been friggin years.)
3. The colour coded terror alerts will continue to go up and down throughout the year to further distract the public from what is really going on behind the political scenes.
4. North Korea will become a big problem. A BIG one.
5. TIVO will continue to penetrate households across North America forever changing the way we watch TV.
6. The flock of seagulls haircut will come back in style. (Is it already? I can't keep up)
7. More and more big name actors will do voice work in videogames. By end of year, A-list directors will start lending their talents to the production of video games.
8. Tom Cruise will ask Penelope Cruz to marry him this year. They will both agree to change their last name to Crooz. The marriage will be short lived however, when Tom remembers "Oh wait, I'm gay".
9. Britney Spears will tie the knot. I'm sorry she already did that for a few hours.
10. Christina Aguileria not to be outdone by her rival Britney will get married this year as well, to a woman and a yak.
11. Jennifer Aniston and Brad Pitt will announce they are expecting their first child. (Can you say…the Golden Child? Mortals will not be able to look directly into the baby's face)
12. Justin Timberlake will star in a feature film in 2004 and continue sleeping with Cameron Diaz thus cementing himself as the greatest man alive
13. Comic book movies will continue to flood the big screen. Spiderman 2 and Hellboy will be successful while the Punisher and Halle Berry's Catwoman will suck shit.
14. The Friends finale will be one of the most watched sitcom events in TV history. The Joey spin off program that will launch in September 2004 will be beyond AW-ful
15. Reality shows will still be very popular on the small screen. This year viewers can expect a reality show set within the Playboy mansion and another one starring Mr. T. (and you think I am joking)
16. Paris Hilton and Jessica Simpson will duke it out all year over who is the most over exposed bimbo
17. Pop-Punk will finally fall off the radar in 2004 consequently freeing the masses from the crap music of Good Charlotte and Simple Plan
18. Some destined to be one hit wonder band (see: the Ataris or Alien Ant Farm) will record a Rick Springfield cover
19. Michael Jackson will do…something else crazy
20. And finally…in 2004 the world will be overrun by super intelligent apes who will subjugate the entire human species. But it won't happen until near the end of November.

So there you have it folks, looks to be another eventful year in this crazy thing we call life. Here's wishing you all the best in 2004. And for those that are asking, yes all my predictions are certain to come true…well except for that one that will change human life as we know it. I mean who the hell in their right mind would do a Rick Springfield cover?

…but that's just my opinion.


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