Behaviour In The Elevator - A Comprehensive Analysis

Eye Contact - When initially entering the confines of the elevator environment it is your job to place yourself in the most innocuous position available in said elevator. Do not make eye contact with any of the other passengers. If you have trouble deciding where to focus your vision try examining your surroundings. Your shoes for example, when was the last time you took a good look at your shoes? The elevator is a perfect time for this careful reflection. The ceiling or the floor tiles are also good areas for meticulous observation. My favourite is the legal document that is bolted to the wall of the elevator. "Elevator can safely hold 12 passengers. Lets see…one…two…three…all right we're in good shape. No problem reaching my destination. I feel the warm glow of safety washing over me…ahhh…feels pretty good."

Holding The Door - I would like to think we're all civilized human beings, but sometimes I question the road humanity is traveling towards on the rare occasion I'm racing to catch the elevator. I can't count the amount of times I've been mere steps from the closing doors, catching the cold dead eyes of the single passenger who can't make the Herculean effort of pushing the evasive "door open" button. How much time are we saving by not showing a little politeness and being gracious enough to let a wayward passenger access to the upper floors? Let love rule people, let love rule.

Conversation - Unless you have a direct relationship with the other passenger, no conversation should ever take place. No "Hey nice weather we're havin'" or "Have you been following the efforts of our local sports franchise? Man do they suck." It is a fruitless effort. The conversation can only result in conversation tangent that will be lost for the ages.

"Thank God it's Friday."
"Oh tell me about it, my girlfriends and I are going to drink a lot of wine, get some massage oil and…oh here's my floor…have a good weekend!"
"Wait come back! I need closure! Please…come…back…"

Love In An Elevator - Passion is a mistress that cannot be denied. I can't count the number of times I've traveled the many floors to my luxurious penthouse apartment with a lovely lady by my side. The elevator is empty except for myself and my woman. The muzak is playing a romantic little ditty, I look into her eyes and my romantic stirrings cannot be contained. A passionate embrace is inevitable as well as various other carnal advances begin to take place. But it should be noted; you can only go so far. Remember your destination. You are heading to a place where all your dreams of romantic conquest can be comfortably fulfilled. Don't let the smell of a freshly waxed elevator cloud your judgement. Bide your time, the fresh scent of Lemon Pledge be damned! Besides, the last thing you need is your 85-year-old neighbour catching you with your hand up the skirt of the future Mrs.World-Renowed Web Columnist. Yowza!

Button Pushing - One time. Listen to these two simple words people. One time! I don't care how many times you push that button, that elevator ain't comin' down any faster. What exactly is the motivation behind this fruitless effort? Do you think that the electronic brain that controls the elevator is thinking, "Holy smokes! That guy's pushed the button over ten times already, I'd better get my gears a-movin'!" It's not gonna happen. Push once and put that finger back into its holster cowboy.

The elevator. Such a simple time saving device, yet so many complicated rules. Learn these rules dear BoldOpinionites. Read them, learn them well and maybe one day we all will be able to focus our efforts onto more important matters like world peace and global warming. Remember, with a concentrated effort the elevator can be the best friend you've ever had.

or mail to:christian@boldopinion.com

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