Tribes Of The Bar Scene
Aside from being an avid internet scribe, what many of you may not and may be surprised to know is that I am also a world renowned anthropologist. I have traveled the world over studying and analyzing the various cultures that inhabit our ethnically diverse big blue marble known as the planet Earth. I have burrowed myself into the dark confines of the homes of the infamous Mole People in Northern Guatemala. Reached new heights examining the mysterious Ladder Tribes in the deepest, darkest African jungle. Broken bread with the chieftain of the enigmatic clog-dancing lepers of Malaysia. But never, in all of my travels have I ever seen such a diverse collection of groups and individuals occupying one single area. A place where complex mating rituals rival those of Norwegian onion farmers. A place where tests of courage, emotion, and physical well being are unmatched by any society I've seen all over the world. The place I speak of is the metropolitan bar scene.

I have taken the task of giving up many of my Saturday night Anthropological Society meetings so that I may bravely enter these dens of iniquity in order to document my fascinating findings. Interestingly enough my research has shown that in every single one of these nightspots you will find "common groups" that exist in one shape or another in all of the locations I monitored. Here are some examples of what I've observed.

The Bachlorette Party - Adorned in a wedding veil or crown of some sort, one woman leads a group of giggling ladies through a series of challenges in order for her to reaffirm her faith in her upcoming nuptials. This generally involves the future bride interacting with the male populace of the bar in some annoying degree that garners future funds for her dowry.

Dance Floor Voyeurs - This group is generally comprised of two to three men who make their stand at the outer perimeters of the dance floor. Under no circumstances do they make any effort to actually venture into the dancing area for it would interrupt their ultimate purpose of ogling the fairer sex bumpin' and grindin', so to speak, on the dance floor. They have been known to remain in the same position for hours at a time.

Dance Floor Soloist - Unlike the Dance Floor Voyeur, this person's sole purpose is to establish a place on the dance floor (crowded or not) and exhibit wild uncoordinated dance movements in time to music that apparently does not seem to be playing at the time. Caution is the word when in the proximity of these persons as they tend to dance with their eyes closed due to their intense concentration to the "dance."

Stogie Boys - Usually found in the bar area. These are men who find romantic conquest so effortless that they have decided to handicap themselves by smoking enormously large, overpowering cigars. It is my observation that by adorning themselves in these repulsively pungent billows of smoke they bring more of a "challenge" to the chase or it is used as phallic replacement for other unobvious limitations.

The Drunkard - Although alcoholic beverages are being consumed throughout the establishment to various degrees, this person has obviously singled himself or herself out by going beyond the limits of excess. Clumsy awkward movements have replaced standard motor skills, emotional outbursts are numerous and spillage of one or other's beverages is quite common. Avoidance of this person(s) is the general rule in this case.

Unsophisticated Lothario(s) - Garishly clothed, unsophisticated and smugly over-confident individuals who make no qualms about their goals when engaging in conversation with the female species. This process usually involves a very short conversation that generally ends with obvious negative reactions on the female's part. Undaunted by their visible failure, the routine is repeated endless times throughout the evening. In some cases, this romantic assembly line romantic technique does seem to have its success at times for inexplicable reasons.

After many nights of exhaustive research and mornings of painful brain throbbing reflection of the previous nights experiences, I have come to realize that there is no escape from one or more of these groups. On any given night these people will be there. Saturday night at "Club Hot Trot", they will be there. Friday night at the "Go Go Mocambo", they will be there. Try as you might, there will be no way to avoid them. My only advice is to try to break free of the mundane routine of the weekend debauchery fest and aspire to new and different avenues of entertainment. My anthropological society is having a keg party this weekend, maybe I'll see you there.

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