It's Christmas, Ten Hut!




	It's Christmas, Ten Hut!
	It's Christmas, Ten Hut!
		If the Christmas season were to somehow magically transform itself into a physical human form, what would he/she be like? Would she be a kindly, old matron who always has cookies warming in the oven and pats you sweetly on the top of your head no matter how old you are? Or would he be a gregarious, overweight uncle impartial to bear-like hugs and is always the first to shove a drink in your hand once you step through the front door? Or maybe you envision the season as the classic Santa Claus, the ever-jolly senior citizen with big bag of loot ready to please all those who are able to qualify for his infamous list? I personally have my own idea what this person would be like. I think that if the Christmas season were to become a person, I think it would become the kindliest, nicest, soft-spoken Marine Corps drill instructor ever known. That's what the Christmas season does to us year after year. It makes an enormously large group of people perform an incalculable number of similar tasks and rituals that they never normally do in preparation for a specific date. For the rest of the year we all go about our normal everyday routines, but once December 1st hits, that inaudible air raid siren begins blaring in our collective subconscious. RAWWWRRRR! RAWWWRRR! (simulated air raid siren) Xmas Drill Instructor: All right people its zero hour! This is what we've all been preparing for, so it's time to separate the men from the boys! Are we ready?! Us: Sir! Yes sir! Xmas Drill Instructor: Ok, then! Lets do this! Johnson, I want you to get a string of multi-coloured lights and place them on the perimeter of the roof, make sure that they blink intermittently. It adds more festive appeal! Us: Sir! Yes sir! Xmas Drill Instructor: Williams, we're going to need a pine tree, about six foot. Try some of the local gas stations. Once you get that I want Sanderson and Layfayette to help you adorn the tree with various ornaments and tinsel in a pleasing manner! Us: Sir! Yes sir! Xmas Drill Instructor: All right this is crucial. Egg nog, people we need egg nog. Sure it tastes horrible, but we only drink it once a year and it's Christmas god dammit! Delta team! Secure us some of that nog, any nog, I don't care what kind of nog it is as long as it's nog and it's got some eggs in it! Do you understand me!? Us: Sir! Yes sir! Xmas Drill Instructor: Ok, people this is one of the most important jobs in this operation. Presents! Everyone gets presents. Even that drunk Uncle that no one talks to, he gets a present too! Now it is imperative that all presents symbolize that some semblance of thought actually went into them but do not necessarily mean that the recipient will actually enjoy them! I want these presents to generate some forced smiles of appreciation even though we know it's going to be shoved into the back of the closet! Do you understand me! Us: Sir! Yes sir! Xmas Drill Instructor: We've got plenty more to do people! We need stockings hung by the chimney with care! Mistletoe! Where is the goddamn mistletoe? What exactly is mistletoe? I don't know! Just get some! We need a wreath on the door! Where is that wreath?! Can we not make it through one Xmas operation without falling apart?! My god it's the same thing every goddamn year…can't we just get it right just…once? sob No, I'm not crying! Did anyone secure that Alvin and the Chipmunks Christmas album yet?! Goddamnit, you know we play that every year! It's tradition! Well I have to apologize. I guess I didn't really envisage the Xmas Drill Instructor being so soft-spoken and kindly. In fact I think I really modeled him after the drill sergeant from "Full Metal Jacket" to be totally honest. Regardless, the point I'm trying to get at is for everyone to do their very bestest to not get avalanched by all the preparation and just do their darndest to have a pleasant, enjoyable holiday season. I wish each and every one of you the best this holiday season. Happy holidays from this world-renowned web columnist! Got Something You wanna say to this Guy? Say it Here! or mail to:christian@boldopinion.com Click here to see more articles by this Author