As a child, I could never have predicted that one day I would be living the exotic lifestyle I live now. Despite my early aspirations to succeed in the untapped world of marsupial brain medicine, little did I think that these dreams would be cast aside so that I could venture forth into the exciting world of the web columnist. Ahhh, the life of a web columnist. The numerous deposits into my Swiss bank account, dinner parties with foreign dignitaries, steamy rendezvous' with sultry, attractive, internationally famous starlets and significant discounts on stereo equipment at local electronics boutiques; the advantages are too numerous to mention. But let me warn you gentle reader, despite all the glorious benefits a web columnist may have, there in turn are the downfalls as well. Downfalls you say?! Preposterous! How can there ever be a downfall to achieving the vaunted status of the fabled web columnist? Unfortunately, my friends it is true. As I try to fulfill my God given duty to spread my sacred words across to the populace, obstacles block my path. Obstacles that hinder me, from granting you, the reader, the wisdom I possess. You could consider these obstructions as my enemies.
Now before you start lighting your torches, forming angry mobs and scouring your local townships in search of these people that aim to stop me from tapping away at my keyboard, please keep your ravenous hounds at bay. Let me explain. These enemies I speak of are not human beings per se, but inanimate objects or vices that distract me from waxing poetic on such topics as the inanities of breast enhancing creams or pontificating on the cinematic brilliance of Judge Reinhold. Let me explain these vices in itemized detail.
The Sony Playstation 2 - Many an evening passes where I sit quietly in my study and rack my brain trying to carefully form the proper words which make up the many articles I create. As I scour my thesaurus for alternate words for 'ambiguous' I hear voices in my head calling to me. "Just one more game. It won't hurt. One more win will only add more brilliance to your winning season." It's my Playstation2 calling me from my living room. Beckoning me to continue my loss-less season of Madden 2002. As much as I try to ignore telepathic messages from entertainment systems, I know that as soon as that ergonomic controller enters my hands the Buffalo Bills will record their first Super Bowl Victory, but our dedicated readership will lose another mind-expanding article. Curse the Japanese for creating such an infernal device.
The Television - The devil himself could not have created such a distracting piece of machinery. Thoughtlessly, I decided to have a television placed in close proximity to my computer so that I may garner inspiration from CNN newscasts that would provide fodder for future articles. Unfortunately I did not realize the magical powers that the television possessed somehow taking control of my motor functions and switching channels from CNN to reruns of WKRP in Cincinnati. The tantalizing gyrations of Loni Anderson are distracting my efforts to craft the words for my latest article. Must…find…a…way …to turn…off…television!
The Computer - The very device that my words are sprouted from also disguise's itself as the greatest temptation for mindless wanderings. Mere words away from finishing my latest opus I decide to check www.dictionary.com for the proper meaning of the word 'abattoir'. As I scroll through my 'favourites' I find myself traveling to other websites that have no relevance to my article whatsoever. Pretty soon I find myself exploring www.cafeterialadies.com looking for the "Pic of the Day." A pox on the computer and a pox on the lunch ladies who serve fish sticks naked! Another article is lost to the ages.
In order to be a successful web columnist, you must have a will of iron. When in the process of putting words to screen, you must try to cast all temptation aside and stay the course. Keep your mind on the prize. Please Bold Opinionators, listen to my words. It is your articles and opinions that keep our site thriving with the vim and vigor it deserves on a weekly basis. I would hate to see a possible candidate for the "Reader Spotlight" be lost to watching reruns of 'Suddenly Susan'. Stay Strong. Now that this article is complete I will reward myself by perusing the World Wide Web. Mmmmm…..Sloppy Joe's….I like that.
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or mail to:christian@boldopinion.com
