*BZZZARP* "…no down payment until 2003! All washer & dryers must go!"
THWAP!
For some strange reason my gummi opponents have mysteriously disappeared and have been replaced by a washer and dryer set. Despite the lack of any limbs whatsoever, these household appliances play a pretty mean game. The washer has just started its spin cycle and suddenly my commanding lead has begun to fall apart. As tears begin to well up in my eyes, a smile comes across my face as Elle MacPherson comes achingly closer. Yes, she still has the bowl of pudding….
*BZZZARP* "…in a press conference yesterday George Bush briefed reporters on his latest economic policy…"
THWAP!
The pink cloud and the ping-pong game have disappeared. I'm standing behind a podium dressed in a blue suit in front of a large crowd of reporters and television cameras. The bright lights of the television cameras are blinding me as the reporters are screaming out unintelligible questions. Sweating profusely, I valiantly try to respond to these questions to no avail. With no hope in sight, the crowd of reporters begins to part like the Red Sea. George Bush walks up the middle in a bikini and begins to slather chocolate pudding all over his body. He smiles slyly and says, "So are you ready to hear my plans for increasing the gross domestic product?"
I immediately sit upright in my bed screaming and begin to rub my head vigorously in an attempt to remove the evil thoughts from my brain. What had started out as a fairly pleasant dream, suddenly transformed itself into a nightmare. Who was to blame!? Why did this happen?! And there, sitting on my nightstand, with its cold, red, LED eyes staring at me was the culprit…the clock radio and its evil henchman, the snooze button.
My dishwasher is my friend. I smile when I open my refrigerator and examine its contents. I won't even get into the affection I have for my television. The clock radio, however, is evil. It is a device that has been forged in the very depths of hell and brought to Earth to torment you and me.
Granted, the clock radio's purpose is inherently good. You are sleeping, the clock radio wakes you up. Taa daa! Simple right? The clock radio is good. Thank you clock radio! Then why did they have to add the snooze button? What exactly is the fiendish plan behind the snooze button? The snooze button is the Devil's plan to make everyone late for work. The snooze button has created a new motor reflex in the human body that has not been seen before its invention. You're sleeping, your alarm goes off and you get up. Wrong. Instead, your hand instinctively reaches out and THWAPS the snooze button down giving you another ten minutes of needed slumber. Minutes later, the radio comes on again and THWAP! Ten more minutes. This process repeats itself numerous times. THWAP! THWAP! THWAP! Pretty soon you realize you have five minutes to get up, shower, and get to work. Evil! In the case of the current model I own now, the snooze button gives up after 3 THWAPS. "Well if he isn't going to get his ass out of bed after 3 THWAPS I'm not going to even bother trying to wake him up", I can hear the clock radio thinking.
If I were to design a clock radio these are some of the fundamental changes I would make. Firstly, I would eliminate the snooze button altogether. Get rid of the button, the idea of actually snoozing, and all references to it in the dictionary. It is an evil word. Look it up in the dictionary and this is what you will find. Honest!
snooze (sn z)
intr.v. snoozed, snooz·ing, snooz·es
To take a light nap; doze.
The Devil's slumber.
Secondly, when deciding to be woken up by the alarm rather than the radio,
I would try to create a much more pleasant sound than the usual deep throated
air raid buzzer that seems to be the standard among these devices. And
thirdly, I would have the clock radio set up so that the only way you
could turn the alarm off would be to hit a remote button firmly attached
to the wall of your shower, thus eliminating all chances of snoozing altogether.
So while our Bold Opinion scientists are working on our new line of clock radios, I'm afraid you will have to suffer with the primitive models that exist today. Myself, I'm going to see a farmer about getting one of these early rooster devices I've been hearing so much about. I wonder if it has a snooze button?
Got Something You wanna say to this Guy? Say it Here!or mail to:christian@boldopinion.com
