If it wasn’t for the fact I was watching a special on teen idols on my local music video channel, I would never have even thought of it. What has been missing from the popular music spectrum lately? Right now, the charts are filled with rappers, pseudo punk bands, and this continuing rash of metal/rap musicians, but there’s something else missing. For as long as I can remember this has been the first time in awhile that there hasn’t been some pre-fabricated boy band stinking up the charts with their bubble gum pop tunes. Can it be? No more boy bands? No more N’Sync? No Backstreet Kids In The O-Town? I immediately popped open a bottle of champagne in celebration. As I brought the celebratory glass to my lips, bitter sweet bubbles began to tickle my nose. After my eighth glass, I suddenly realized something. One, I don’t like champagne and two, I had been very selfish. As my stomach gurgled in protest, I realized something. Sure, my life can only get better with the elimination carefully marketed boy band creations, but what about the children? Particularly, young teenage girls. Whose posters are going to cover their bedroom walls? Where are they going to find their precious non-offensive supply of bubble gum pop music? Who do these young girls have to satisfy their burgeoning and mysterious pre-pubescent urges? No one! As much as I’d hate to say it, this void must be filled. For the sake of humanity and pre-teen girls a new boy band must emerge! Although it goes against all of my moral standards, this world-renowned web columnist is going to provide some tips for creating a successful boy band.

Members - There has to be five members. Four members is a barbershop quartet. Three members does not cover enough demographics. Menudo had five members. New Kids On The Block had five members. N’Sync had five members. It has to be five. With five members you can effectively camouflage the shortcomings of the other members of the group. Sure that portly, hairy one provides great back up vocals but you need the other members to steal the spotlight when the big dance number comes up and he’s sweating like a trucker in a hot dog eating contest.

Abilities – They sing and dance. That’s it. They don’t play instruments. They don’t perform magic tricks. Not one of the members should suddenly grab a guitar and break into a solo or pull out a sitar and play some Ravi Shankar. No instruments! You sing, you dance, that is all. Possibly you might want to have a member pull out a tambourine if the song permits, but even that’s pushing it a little.

The Look – The key to any successful boy band is the look. The trick is to make the group look as diversified, yet homogeneous as possible. Haircuts are key. All must have “hip” and “with it” hairstyles. Hairstyles that with copious amounts of gels and mousses can never be attained by mortal men. Only one member may have facial hair. All other members must be clean shaven. Generally the one with facial hair is the one that provides the bass vocals of the band and is considerably less popular than the rest of the group. Clothes are also extremely important. The clothes must be borderline ‘effeminate’ while still retaining that hint of masculinity. None of the members are allowed to wear hats, unless one of the members has a significant aura of ‘street cred.’ For example, Donnie Wahlberg from New Kids On The Block. Word.

Disposition – It is very important that every boy band has a collection of members that are of various dispositions and temperaments. It also important that they exude their primary emotional trait in every one of their performances. This helps when one cannot remember a particular band member’s name. “What was the guy’s name again? Man, they all look the same…you know, that guy…the funny one!” Every boy band has one or some of these members. The brooding one. You know the one member who doesn’t look like he really wants to be even part of the band and is on the cusp of leaving them at any time. He has problems, you can tell, you don’t know what they are but you’re sure he’s got some inner demons he has to work out. The funny one. Look at all those faces this guy makes in the videos! He’s a lot of fun! Laugh with him! I bet he plays practical jokes on people all of the time. It’s too bad he can’t sing or dance, but we love him anyway. The happy one. Not to be confused with the funny one. He’s always happy. He has a smile on his face no matter what the situation. He could be singing a song about killing puppies and still have a smile on his face. He has a face that deserves numerous pummeling’s, but he makes those teenage girls buy tickets, so he must stay. The one member that intrigues me the most is the one that really isn’t there. I like to call him “the shadow.” That one member you will never, ever remember the name of unless you’re a die hard fan. He doesn’t stand out in the least. You’ll happen to watch a video and wonder if that guy’s been in the band from the beginning. His blandness and lack of personality makes the other members look better, so he is crucial.

It scares me that I’ve actually written a guide on how to create a successful boy band. It scares me even more that I knew so much about this topic. Hmmm. Well now that’s this article is complete I’d better get back to work on some of my leisure activities…like ummm…bear hunting. Yeah, bear hunting! Gonna go hunt me some bear. Don’t need a gun neither! Only sissies use guns. I’m gonna use my bare hands! Wrassle that beast to the ground and pull out it’s still beating heart. Yeah! Bear huntin’. That’s what I’m going to do all right. Bear…um…hunting… Now where are my bear hunting gloves…

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