Old Issue of Playboy - A Review
Well even though it's not spring, it looks like my workspace here at the offices of BoldOpinion.com could definitely use a bit of cleaning. Good grief is this place a pigsty. It has gotten to the point where the cleaning staff doesn't even bother to come into dust my numerous web columnist of the year awards any more. It brings a tear to my eye seeing my beloved "Webby" awards sitting in that trophy case covered with a layer of dust. Of course I can't blame the cleaners. They would have to navigate through all of these stacks of paper and boxes just to get even close with a feather duster. Not to mention all of these empty take out containers from that German/Mexican restaurant down the street. The remnant of all those sauerkraut enchiladas has not created the most appetizing of fragrances. Well I guess I'd better get crackin'. Truth be told, I'm actually procrastinating. I'm supposed to be writing a review, but I'm totally stuck for a subject. So instead of tapping away at the keyboard, I've got a pair of hip waders on and a mop firmly clutched in my hand. I guess the best place to start would be to clear out some of these old filing cabinets. Let's start with the bottom drawer…what's this? Hey it's an old issue of Playboy magazine. Wait a second! A light bulb has suddenly appeared over the top of my head! That's a good sign! Do you think? Would the readers be even interested? Would anyone dare to review a fifteen-year-old issue of Playboy magazine? Prepare to be dazzled by a page-by-page review of this long out of print publication!

October 1988. The special college issue. On the cover is a seductive blonde adjusting her cowboy boots while perched over a pile of textbooks. According to the table of contents her name is Terri Lynn Doss. After a quick internet search I find out she actually had parts in the movie Lethal Weapon 1, Die Hard and an unaccredited role in the movie Roadhouse starring Patrick Swayze. Apparently in Die Hard she challenged her acting skills by playing the coveted role of "Girl At Airport." I guess the Academy must have missed that performance. I'll just keep flipping pages.

Hey CBS Compact Disc Club! I can pick up Michael Jackson's "BAD" for a penny! I'm pretty sure that the statute of limitations has run out on that offer.

Ads, ads, movie reviews…hey Midnight Run starring Robert DeNiro got four bunnies. I love that movie. One of Charles Grodin's better movies before he started doing those stupid movies with that rabid St.Bernard.

More ads, even more ads. The Playboy Advisor. You don't see many advice columns that give you tips on hooking up your stereo and lay down the rules of etiquette for a ménage a trois on the same page.

Dear Playmate. Sage like advice from the magazines more popular playmates. The important question posed to this forum is "How do you get a partner who is a poor communicator to open up?" Well according to former centerfold Anna Clark, April 1997, "You learn to adapt, because everyone communicates differently." Wiser words have never been spoken. Here's a question I've thought of, "How did you break the news to your father that his baby girl is about display her naked body for a nation of horndogs to salivate over?"

The Playboy interview. Always a good read if it's about someone I'm interested in. This issues interview is with baseball manager, Roger Craig. Moving on.

Cartoon that pictures fairy tale legend Rapunzel up in her tower with her fair prince. With a disgruntled look on his face the prince states, "No wonder you never get laid - your hair is dull and lifeless and you have split ends!" Pow! Take that Rapunzel! There's one you'll never see in the Sunday comics.

First pictorial. The editor of Playgirl magazine reveals all. What an ironic twist! Or is it irony? I've never got a full grasp of that concept. Regardless, I'm pretty darned sure that she's taking 'Casual Friday' to a whole new level in this layout.

College fiction contest winner. Fashion spread that informs us what's hot in men's suits way back then. No leather ties with piano keys oddly enough.

The centerfold starring an apparently 'Saucy Aussie.' Now before jumping to her playmate data sheet. I'm going to call upon my world-renowned web columnist psychic powers and guess that one of her turn-ons is "sense of humour." Turn a few pages, yowza! And her turn-ons are…sunsets, family get-togethers, holding hands, bicycle riding, shopping and walking in the rain. Foiled again. Those were all my second guesses though.

Playboy's party jokes. The magazine's staple humour page. I should write some of these down. One of the punchlines is "I like to bark once in a while." Numerous chuckles abound.

Hey it's a picture of the 1988 Playboy All-America team. Just for laughs let's see if I can actually recognize any of the players. Well what do you know! There's Deion Sanders and Troy Aikman. I'm curious to what kind of fringe benefits there are to being drafted to this particular team? I knew I should have been playing football instead of wasting all those years building model airplanes. What was I thinking?

20 Questions with Morton Downey, Jr. One of the pioneers of the "shock jock" style of television talk shows. He was doing it before Jerry Springer got rich off it. He's dead now. Morton Downey I mean, not Springer.

Girls Of The Southwest Conference. College girls in various states of undress. As much as can admire these ladies intestinal fortitude to have their pictures taken, I am equally confused by the rationale behind it. Here's where I try to enter the mind of one of these hard working students. "Hmmm…should I study for exams or get a naked picture of myself taken for a nationwide publication, possibly ruining all future chances of success in my field of study? What to do…what to do…"

Were getting to the tail end of the issue now. Lots more cartoons, continuing pages of interviews and articles and the Grapevine page. Black and white pictures of various celebrities. Look it's ZZ Top and Jody Watley! There's a picture of Terrence Trent D'Arby. The quote's pretty funny. "He'd like to be the Jerry Lee Lewis of his time. The way things are going, he just may make it." *Chuckle* Bet you wish you had that wishing well with you now, eh buddy?

Next month in Playboy! Sex in cinema, Women in Washington pictorial, Dukakis and Bush Duke It Out and an interview with Bruce Willis.

Well my office isn't clean yet but I've probably written my least succinct review of anything in my history of writing for Bold Opinion. I wonder if I have any old issues of National Geographic lying around?


 


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