In the history of weapons technology, I would never have dreamed anyone could have invented something this advanced. It was sure a lot different than when I was in "the game." All you had was your weapon and a fairly limited amount of ammunition. If you were smart you carried two weapons. The guns were o so primitive. I mean they didn't shoot very far and didn't really hold a lot of water. God help you if you were in the middle of a firefight and there wasn't a bucket of water around to reload you weapon. I loved playing with squirt guns as kid, but somewhere in the back of my mind I knew I was dealing with primitive technology. I knew someone was out there working on a bigger and better squirt gun. Well finally after years of waiting they have arrived! Have you seen these Super Soakers? 16 different models! 16! They can shoot unbelievably far, carry so much more water, shoot backwards, forwards and around corners, they're totally amazing! The question is which one to get? The CPS (constant pressure system) Splashzooka or maybe the Max-D (maximum distance) 6000? Or maybe I'll splurge and get the Monster XL Super Soaker or maybe I won't get any at all because I'm thirty-two friggin' years old!

Please tell me I'm not the only one who does this. I have no nieces or nephews. No young cousins or children of my own. But whenever that big shopping catalogue gets mailed to my house shortly before Christmas time I almost always instinctively open it to the toys section. The middle of the weekend paper is usually stuffed with advertising circulars, I generally throw them out immediately, but not before checking to see if there's a Toys R Us flyer in there. If I'm visiting friends of mine or friends of friends with children, I'm usually the one who finds himself in the basement talking shop with the resident 8-year old in his playroom. "So you're telling me that this robot can transform into an airplane AND a dinosaur? I don't believe it!" I walk by toy stores in shopping malls and I hear this little ghostly voice calling out to me, asking, begging me to come inside. "Christian…have you seen the new Lego's that have come out? They're totally awesome…" You know what the sad part is? Yes! Yes, I have seen the new Lego's and yes, I know they're totally awesome. Not that I've actually bought them or played with them but I've seen them and I remember the feeling. Do you know what I'm talking about? Christmas time, birthdays or just for being a good kid you would get that elegantly wrapped box. You would shake it and listen for that clunking sound. Not that sliding new shirt or turtleneck sweater noise but something solid, clunky and that hopefully had some wheels on it or a trigger of some sort. You would open it up and your mouth would grow wide enough to swallow a watermelon. In mere seconds you would follow the traditional procedure for receiving 'the gift.' Leave the beautiful gift for a few seconds, get up, give Aunt Edna a big smooch, say thank you, ask to be excused to find somewhere you and your toy can play privately. For hours you were gone, lost to the world forever. I really miss that feeling. I wonder if that's part of the little kid in me that I'll never get back… Ummm…excuse those last couple of lines of sentimental bullshit. One of the main reasons I still have a fairly avid interest in toys is "A", I'm still a big stupid kid who might never grow up and "B", all these new toys do so much cooler stuff than what my toys used to do as kid. I have to see what I'm missing out on. Remote control cars that can scale the highest of mountains. Action figures that put my old Evel Kenievel Stunt Rider to shame. Robots that can respond to voice commands. Stuff that never used to be able glow in the dark, can now GLOW in the dark!

God help me the day I have kids. Boys, girls whatever, I am going to be spoiling them rotten. They're going to have more toys than they know what to do with. I'm not going to be one of those parents that gives them clothes for their birthdays or Christmas. Hell no! It's going to be toys, toys, toys. So when that blessed day arrives and my children are thanking me for those new laser controlled flying robot dogs I bought for them, I'll just pat them on the head and smile warmly at them. Because I know, they can't stay up for ever and the minute they fall asleep I'm going to be flyin' those robot dogs all over the friggin' house.

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