Well my first step is to see what the heck is going on out there in the harmonious land of musicals. What vast array of melodious choices do I have so that I may begin my newly constructed self-help program, "How To Love The Musical In 12 E-Z Steps." Well much to my surprise there seems to be a lot of them out there. Here I thought there was only two or three but apparently there's almost double that amount. Who'd a thunk it? I decided to see what options I had before me. Lets see, there's one called "Les Miserables". Apparently this one deals with a bunch of depressed people living in 19th century France. Nah. Too gloomy. What about Mamma Mia? A wedding takes place on a small Greek island, featuring songs by some Swedish musical group known as ABBA. Well if the music is anything like the films of Ingmar Bergman I think I'll pass. Rent? Bunch of twenty-something artists trying to find success in New York City and still try to keep their apartments. Boo hoo, here's an idea, why don't you go out and get a real job instead of pissing and moaning about it through song? Cry me a river. Beauty and the Beast. Apparently it's not based on the successful TV show starring Linda Hamilton and Ron Perlman, so ummm…no. Miss Saigon? I've seen Platoon fourteen times, so how could this be any different? Cats? I'm allergic. Oklahoma!? A musical about cowboys, cattle and the most uninteresting region of the United States? I think not. Then I came across probably one of the most unusual choices yet. A musical called "Urinetown." Yes, that's correct, URINETOWN. I'm not making this up, I'll let the synopsis speak for itself.
A terrible water shortage has crippled the Gotham-like town that serves as the setting for Urinetown. In a mad attempt to regulate water consumption, the government has outlawed the use of private toilets. The citizenry must use public, pay-for-use amenities owned and operated by the corrupt and iron-fisted Caldwell B. Cladwell. The privilege to pee is expensive, draining and dangerous. Anyone who refuses to pay to pee is immediately and without question hauled off to Urinetown.
Urinetown?! Urinetown?! Can it have happened already? Have we finally run out of songs to sing? Has our society come to the point where the only songs left to sing are about human beings bodily functions?! Well apparently it's true because Andrew Lloyd Webber's brand new musical, "The Amazing Adventures of Gilbert the Turd" is debuting next month on Broadway.
Well apparently there's nothing out there at the moment that seems to appeal to my sophisticated tastes. The bleak underbelly of Broadway has shown me that it is a street filled with vacuous and uninteresting stories to sing about. But maybe there's something on the horizon. Something in production right now that is just waiting to send a heartfelt message to my very soul. I know my trusted web browser will find the answers I seek. After typing in a few key words, I eagerly await a response. As the string of links hits the screen my happy face of anticipation suddenly transforms into a grimace of despair. "In 2005, with the help of movie director Tim Burton, Batman - The Musical will debut on Broadway in 2005." Batman - The Musical?! Has anyone heard two words in the English language that by no means should be linked together by any stretch of the imagination? Enjoyable electrocution? Wonderful castration? Satisfying apocalypse? Batman - The Musical?! No, no, no, no, no, no, NO! This cannot be happening. I know a lot of things about Batman. He wears a mask. He fights crime. Has a totally awesome car. But he does not sing. Ever. This whole concept does not even begin to make sense. I see a jam packed theatre and the curtain rises. As the giant cloud of smoke begins to disperse the Bat-Cave is revealed. Batman is seen sitting in front of his crime computer with his face in his hands. It's at this point that Batman begins his heart felt solo that deals with his torment in trying to understand his evil foe, The Joker…
"Joooooker! Joooooooker! Why do you do the things that you dooooo!? I fight crime..you do not! You act like a clown, but I can only frown, when I see the evil in your heeeeaaaart! Joooooker! Jooooooker! One day my batarang…will…find…you!"
I totally give up. Although my original intention was to make peace with my readership, I have failed miserably. My 12-step program has no chance of succeeding if I cannot find a good enough reason to even step into the theatre. I fear that "The Musical" and myself will never be able to exist together amicably. Maybe one day when a suitable subject appears on the horizon, I will boldly venture into theatre…hmmm…suitable subject…how about Predator - The Musical?! That practically writes itself! I wonder if Schwarzenegger is available? Excuse me, I have to make some calls!
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