Movies have become boring. We are being attacked with the same mundane storylines over and over again. We are slowly sinking into a giant vat of dull, tiresome movie goulash. It seems the writers down there in tinsel town have seemed to have forgotten the secrets to making a great movie. I fortunately have not forgotten. I remember the one thing that can save the movie industry. Something that is guaranteed to turn any lackluster movie into a sure fire hit. I can summarize it in one word. Are you listening Hollywood?
Monkeys.
Yes, that's right I said monkeys. I cannot remember a movie that had monkeys in it that wasn't great. When was the last time we had a really good movie with a monkey or monkeys in it? Now before you start sending me emails saying "Hey man, that …ummm…Planet of the Apes had monkeys in it and it wasn't that great." Let me clarify something. That was not a monkey movie. Primarily because the bulk of the cast was made up of human beings 'dressed up' as monkeys. When I speak of monkey movies, I mean real honest to goodness primates in key roles in the film. Not like that so called chimpanzee in Matt LeBlanc's blockbuster film, "Ed." It was so obvious this baseball-playing chimpanzee was really a little person in a monkey suit. Blasphemy! Also if the title of the movie has the word monkey in it, it does NOT count as a monkey movie. Needless to say I was quite disappointed after seeing the latest martial arts flick, "Iron Monkey" and don't even get me started about when Bruce Willis's film "Twelve Monkeys" came out. I'm talking about movies like "Every Which Way But Loose", with Clint Eastwood. How can you not love a story about a bare-knuckle fighter and his pet orangutan Clyde? Or how about the classic 1981 hit "Going Ape!" with Danny Devito and Tony Danza? Two misfits, who inherit 3 orangutans and must keep them alive for 3 years in order to collect a 5 million dollar inheritance. You just don't see stories like this on the silver screen anymore. Of course monkey movies don't necessarily have to be comedies either. Take "Project X" with Matthew Broderick. A research assistant trying to save some chimpanzees from participating in a government plan to train monkeys as suicide bombers. My eyes are getting teary just thinking about that one. Or how could anyone forget the horror movie "Monkey Shines?" Where a quadriplegic's genetically enhanced helper monkey turns evil! I'm still having nightmares about that one.
So here I sit, waiting for those big Hollywood producers to finally realize that these fantastic special effects, big name actors or these whimsical fantasy type storylines are not really working. Soon they'll realize that they're going to have to get back to betting on the horse that wins for them every time. Monkeys! While I wait, I think I'll sit down and watch this new DVD I rented. It's called "MVP: Most Valuable Primate." And check out this tagline.
"Jack skates a little faster... Shoots a little harder... And is driving everyone bananas."
I don't think I have to explain this one to you. Looks like a good one to me!
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