Mini Opinions Need The Most Love
Oh my aching head. I'm afraid, Bold Opinionites that I'll have to keep this column short, but sweet. I attended the annual world-renowned web columnist's costume ball last night and let's just say my memories of the evening's events are a bit sketchy to say the least. What had started out as fairly entertaining evening, somehow evolved into raucous orgy of debauchery that would put university fraternity parties to shame. So now I awake this morning with a splitting headache still wearing my Clifford the Big Red Dog costume from the previous evening's shenanigans. After numerous attempts to figure out how I made it safely home, I realize that I still have not written my latest column! So here I sit, a big red dog, frantically typing away at my keyboard trying to meet my deadline. Each character I enter sounds like a rifle shot echoing through my brain. There is absolutely no possible way I'll be able to concentrate on a singular topic at this point. So I've decided to grace this column with a series of "mini-opinions." Quick, to the point opinions, not all dressed up with colourful words and phrases as in previous articles. Please forgive my lack of dedication, but I think all of those foreign cheeses I devoured last night are planning to make an a repeat appearance. Urp!

- A dog should never wear a hat unless they are circus performers or are animated characters. The same goes for those stupid scarves.
- Roseanne Barr's going to be the star of her own reality TV series. Hmmm…a look into the life of the incredibly annoying Roseanne Barr or an old episode of Seinfeld I've seen about a hundred times? What to watch? What to watch?
- Bananas may soon become extinct. Why couldn't it have been turnips?
- Who are these people who wear sandals and socks together? It's like putting on a pair of gloves and then covering them with mittens. Idiots.
- Should I wear the green shirt or the blue one? I like the blue one.
- Bush vows to rebuild Iraq. Well that's comforting. It's kind of like an arsonist helping you rebuild after burning your house down. Note to Iraqi citizens, get out while you can.
- Wouldn't it be cool if that by being a super model it gave you the ability to get together with other super models and magically transform into one giant super model? I know it's not really an opinion, but I think it's a pretty neat idea.
- Mike Tyson is getting more tattoos on his face. Would somebody please help this guy out? Can't you see he's crying for help? I think all he needs is a big, reassuring hug. C'mere you insane little man-child you, it's going to be all right, it's going to be all right…


Well who would have thought I would have been able to successfully type up this column with these gigantic red paws? Now if you'll excuse me I've got to figure out how the hell to get out of this costume. Apparently the zippers stuck and my milkbones are startin' to get all sweaty.

 

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