*Ahem*

Let me back up for a moment and give you a little per…spec…tive as they say.

Let me set the scene for you. Recently I was out on the town preparing to get up to no good in a social sense. I had been invited to yet another swanky private function that was to be held in a popular lounge. They really can become such a bore. Oh, the trials of having a robust social life. I think I remember a mention that this soirée was a charity benefit. For what charity you ask? Umm…a good one? I love when they say that some get together at a bar is for charity. Come drink and fraternize with ladies, and oh yes, it’s for charity. That clinched it. Now I have to go. Save the whales bla bla bla…so you guys got Stella on tap? But I digress. So here I was on my way with my partner in crime out for a night of mingling and avoiding small talk at all costs. Now I had been told by the women that had invited us that this was going to be a somewhat upscale event. So I knew to keep my cut off jean shorts and mesh tank top at home. So dress up we did. We must look our best for the ladies. (They don’t call me MACK DiGiovanni for nothin’) Now casual dressing up for men usually involves the following garments. A dress shirt, dress trousers (I hate that word, but for the purposes of this let’s use it), and a pair of dress oxford shoes. Yes, dress oxford shoes. The classier and dressier cousin of the loafer. All men know these boys. The finely crafted, polished leather, cap toe styled shoes. The perfect accoutrement to an outfit. Or so I thought…

Now this lounge in question was a rather intimate environment with two floors and stylings that seemingly had been ripped out of a Caban catalogue. It also had nice polished hard wood floors. (Key plot point gang!) Now as men we of course showed up earlier then said ladies as this is just what we do. Women have the ability to get into places much more fashionably late than us men. So while we waited, we wandered around the bar marking our territory. Eventually we made it up to the second floor for a quick perusal. After a brief glance we were about to head back downstairs to the main floor. Now imagine if you will the staircase had three first steps, a turn and then the remaining steps to the main level. With just one step down on the first hardwood stair with my finely crafted, polished leather, cap toe styled shoe, tragedy struck! Instantly my foot slipped as if I were on ice. My other foot incased in the same finely crafted, polished leather, cap toe styled shoe, provided no support and went out from beneath me as well. Using my cat like reflexes I grabbed for the railings on both sides of me. My upper body instantly stopped but my feet continued to slide. Thanks to these dress oxford shoes my body was now positioned at a 45 degree angle. I am practically lying flat down on the first set of three stairs. I desperately tried to reclaim my footing but unfortunately I could not stop the momentum these polished leather monstrosities had picked up. So now I am continuing my mangled tap dancing and slipping routine in a slopped position towards the main flight of stairs. Yes you read that correctly, despite my best efforts, I have actually managed to turn the direction of my body at this point and am now heading for the main flight of stairs. Thankfully I careened into the two gentlemen in front of me who stopped my toboggan like carcass. So now that I was fully stopped you can imagine the pleasure I took once I noticed two fabulously attractive blonde women had just watched my entire slalom like descent. Did I mention I am dead sexy?

What the hell was that? Now let me say, this was very early in the evening so intoxication can not be blamed. And I was not stutter stepping, skipping, or running I was merely walking towards these stairs. Now I don’t like to show off or anything but I can like TOTALLY walk. So what gives? I’ll tell ya what gives…it’s these damn men’s dress shoes. The bottoms of these things are nothing more than a piece of slick, hardened leather. So that means zero traction. Now I am not saying I need to go mountain climbing while wearing a pair of dress shoes but being able to walk correctly is a requirement for any type of footwear isn’t it? Are hardwood floors considered a rough terrain by dress shoes standards? Where do they think we are going to be wearing these where we won’t come across obstacles like stairs and wood paneling? These things are friggin’ death traps. You might as well have a stick of butter on the bottom of your feet while wearing these.

Perhaps I don’t have as good of a perspective on shoes as say a woman. Women love shoes. Or should I say are obsessed with shoes. In fact I know a few special ladies to whom shoes might be considered a religion. And one thing women always complain about are stilettos. They are the bane to their footwear existence. Well, I can finally empathize with this thought. Men’s dress shoes are our stilettos. They are the occasional footwear we must endure that make it near impossible to be mobile. And we know the pain we will have to endure while wearing them yet we continue to do so. You see men and women aren’t that different after all.

So I plead with you Geppetto, remember my story before making another finely crafted, polished leather, cap toe styled shoe…and give it some god damn traction!