I'm usually at bit hesitant to write an article that has a religious slant to it. I mean I have done it before, but religion has always been a bit of a taboo subject for me. Who am I to question someone's faith? If you believe in something with all of your heart and soul, and it helps you get through the day, I'm not going to make light of it. More power to you. Praise God, Allah, Mohammed, Zeke, whatever. But sometimes faith can go a little too far and not in a good way. Now when I write "not in a good way", I don't mean on the level of something like a Holy War or the Spanish Inquisition. Good gravy, no. I'm writing more along the lines of velvet Jesus paintings, Jim and Tammy Fae Bakker or the thousands of people flocking to Massachusetts to see a stain that looks like the Virgin Mary. I just don't get it.

Who are these people? Stories like this always seem to pop up in the news from time to time. Some yahoo spots what appears to be some kind strangely discoloured stain on a wall. But after careful examination he realizes the stain looks a lot like the Virgin Mary. Jesus ate a can of beans! This must be some kind of message sent from the heavens above! So he takes it upon himself to tell the world that the Virgin Mary has sent us a message and it's right above the second urinal from the left in the men's bathroom at the Ham & Egger Diner. Now here comes the funny part. People listen to him. People come in droves to the Ham & Egger to witness this grandest of miracles. Instead of urinal cakes, the urinal is filled with candles and surrounded by flowers. Devoted Catholic's praying and kissing rosary beads all over the place. People begin to ask the big questions. Why here? Why at the Ham & Egger? Why over this particular urinal? All of the rationalizing of the situation builds up into such a frenzy that suddenly there it is! What? What is it? It's Jesus! Jesus? Where? Over there! That dent in the paper towel machine! Doesn't it look like Jesus? Crap on crutch! It sure does! That's when the proverbial shit hits the fan. Suddenly the Ham & Egger Diner becomes the "New Vatican" for a short period of time. Thousands of people, traveling from miles around with their giant wooden crosses coming to see for themselves this message from above. Each and every one of them getting that small piece of inner satisfaction as they bear witness to the heavenly majesty of the stain and the dent. Eventually the amount of people making the pilgrimage to this holiest of locations becomes fewer and fewer. Soon the Ham & Egger is just a diner again. The rash of customers that once plagued this place has moved on to greener pastures. Apparently the Virgin Mary is now appearing as some dried up dirt on a 18-wheeler's mud flap in Wisconsin.

In a perfect world this would be the ideal limit to how far your passion for your religion could go. Wouldn't that be great? No more freedom fighters, abortion clinics being bombed or Holy wars. Just a bunch of people looking around for the Virgin Mary, Buddha or whoever. But I still question the rationale behind these appearances. I mean if I were a highly regarded religious deity or the son of the creator of the entire universe, I think I would try to find a classier way of sending a message to my devoted followers. Why would the creator of the universe or someone closely associated with him/her decide to send their message through a vague looking stain on a window or a weirdly shaped spot of rust? Something just doesn't seem right about that. How about a volcano that shoots rainbows? Or a talking duck that can breath fire? Something flashy. Something with a little umph! Far be it from me to tell the powers that be what to do, I mean we all know that your deity of choice works in mysterious ways but there has got to be a better way to spread the news than to communicate through a discoloured smudge or a shadow on a garage door. But then what do I know? I'm just a humble, world-renowned web columnist.

Got Something You wanna say to this Guy? Say it Here!

or mail to:christian@boldopinion.com

Click here to see more articles by this Author