That's one of the most wonderful questions ever asked when that big local draw has reached epic proportions. Generally you have no interest in buying a ticket when that jackpot is only a measly couple of million dollars, but when that grand prize starts to hit double digits, watch out! Lottery fever! There's nothing like the thought of becoming a millionaire to get a group of people organized. During a normal workweek a group of co-worker's can have a difficult time getting even the simplest of tasks completed, but if there's a possibility of winning big bucks on the line watch the metamorphosis. There's nothing like excessive greed to convert a bunch of slack jawed yokels into a well-oiled machine. "You in the pool?" "Put in your picks yet?" "Don't forget put in your numbers or else you're going to miss out on our inevitable win." That's when the daydreams start. You sit back in your chair and begin to dream of what you would do with that giant sack of loot with the big dollar sign on it. Solid gold monocles? Buy one of those super yachts that can transform into a nuclear submarine? Or maybe give your hated boss a wad of dough to ride around your former office on his back like a horsey wearing a gigantic cowboy hat? Whatever your dream, if you happen to be one of these schleps who are lucky enough to get your picture taken with one of those big ass cheques, do me a favour? Don't lie to me and whatever you do, don't screw this opportunity up.

If there's one infamous quote from lottery winners that sends shivers down my spine every time I hear it's this one. "No I don't plan to quit my job." Arrgh! Liar! You are telling lies! What are you talking about? Every time I hear this, I can't help but feel like hitting myself in the head with a sledgehammer. The killer is it's always some working class stiff who utters these hated words. Some average Joe who's worked at some factory for god knows how many years and doesn't seem to realize that maybe millionaires don't have to mop up the scum at the bottom of the bean vats. Does your job mean that much to you? Is it that fulfilling? Are you trying collect your pension? Here's a little tip, you don't need a pension! You're a friggin' millionaire!

Here's another quote that burns my britches. "I really don't see this money changing my life too much." Right. Ok. Not going to change your life. I've got news for you. It's going to change every known facet of your existence. First, get ready for the deluge of phone calls from every forgotten relative that you haven't heard nary a whimper from in the last twenty years. "Member me? Yer old cousin Zeke? I was wunderin' if you might wanna invest in this new business venture I done thunk up? Alls I need is a little start up capital and my new laser taxidermy service is gonna start rakin' in the moolah. Lasers my friend! Lasers!" I challenge anyone with a bank account full of cash not to go at least a little bit apeshit. It cannot be done. You're telling me that every time you see all those zeroes on your bank statement, visions of monumental purchases don't dance across your head? "I think I might get a new car or possibly new house." Of course you are. You're going to buy the biggest, most expensive foreign car you can find and buy a diamond encrusted air freshener to hang from the rear view mirror. You're going to buy a house with more bathrooms than you could ever need and fill it with furniture covered with animal skins you've never even heard of. You're going to put a television in your living room that would put some drive-in movie theatre screens to shame. Your new refrigerator will make ice cubes in the shape of dollar signs and the new dishwasher will be able to talk to you in ten different languages. Other than that your life won't change much.

I want to see a lottery winner stand up behind that podium with their big ass cheque and answer the proverbial question. "So what are you going to do with all of the money?" I don't want to hear that you're going to give half to charity because you sure as hell won't give that much away. I don't want to hear how you're going to give most of it to family and friends because that ain't going to happen either. This is what I want to hear.

"Yeah, well first I'm going to get absolutely pissed drunk from overly expensive champagne. Then I'm going to buy a whole boatload worth of useless crap I really never needed in the first place. I'll loan some money to some of my friends that will never attempt to pay me back. I'm going to quit my job, buy a big house, fast car and go on a bunch of expensive trips and lose a sizeable chunk of my fortune in foreign casinos. Then a few years later as my once sizeable bank account gets smaller and smaller I'll try to recoup my losses in failed stock market investments. Eventually I'll have to sell my house, my car and come crawling back to my boss for my old job back. Then for the rest of my life I'll be living in abject poverty regretting all of the foolish decisions I made squandering my winnings instead of putting in a bank account and living relatively comfortably off the interest. That's about it."

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