You may find it hard to believe, but the life of a world-renowned web columnist can be an extremely lonely one. Endless nights of toiling away in front of an unforgiving keyboard. Tireless days of constant research, making sure that all my articles are backed up with rock solid factual information. During all of this valiant effort to bring you, the reader, thought provoking informative columns I realize I have forgotten the most important thing of all. Love. Yes, love! But where does a lonely world-renowned web columnist go to find love? I spend every waking moment dedicating myself to writing this very column. How would I be able to find a spare moment to even pursue that precious commodity the indifferent Frenchmen call "l'amour?" After many hours of trying to find a synonym for the word jezebel I realize these thoughts of passion are hampering my god given talents. I realize that a solution must be found before any more work can continue. I resolve to call my closest friend, Gerardo.
Gerardo delivers bottled water to my penthouse on a weekly basis. Although we have never seen each other outside of my apartment and have never actually conversed for extended periods of time, what little words he has spoken to me has always dealt with the conquest of the fairer sex. Gerardo speaks in primitive terms that I seem to get the gist of despite his caveman vernacular. He uses phrases such as "You should have seen what I hit last night" and "I received the booty of all booty calls last night." I knew Gerardo would have the answer. As he placed jugs of my latest shipment of Icelandic glacier water in my pantry I began to explain my situation to him. I explained my lack of time for traditional pursuits and how my current vocation limits me from "scopin' the hotties" as he cleverly put it. His face contorted in thought for many minutes, when suddenly a caricature of a light bulb suddenly appeared above his head. His words were prophetic and wise. "You need to check out one of those Internet dating sites my friend!" The Internet! Of course! How could I've been so blind?! Based on a few suggestions from Gerardo I immediately began my electronic quest for true happiness.
Internet dating sites are a fabulously, innovative twist on the traditional dating scene. It's a lot like shopping for a car. You enter specific information on what exactly you are looking for in a woman such as age, religion, smoker - non-smoker, location and a double click later you are avalanched with a myriad of choices with pictures! How convenient. As I entered the choices for my dream woman and sent them off to the dating super computer, I awaited impatiently to see whom I would have to possibly choose from. As the miniscule pictures of various women danced in front of me I could not stop my jaw from dropping to the floor. These women were absolutely horrible!
Now when I say horrible, I don't mean physically unattractive. Lord no! What I'm talking about are the initial profile pictures that accompanies the little bio that rests beside them. They are terrible. Let me tell you, these pictures do not stir up any dormant romantic desires in this poor web columnist's empty heart. I've never seen a larger collection of misrepresentations of human beings in all my life. Ladies, in all fairness you can't expect to bag yourself a fella with these pictures like these. Where do I start?
Ah yes the infamous "glamour" photos. Seductive women draped in feather boas, coated in layers of make-up, casually tilting their heads to one side as their portrait is embalmed with a gossamer like haze that intends to hide all of their natural features. My god, how can this super model be looking for a date? It can't be true! I am not fooled. Other profile photos show a picture of a group of girls in a single shot. Which one of these lovely ladies is you BUTTERCUP139? Am I required to play the role of Sherlock Holmes? Do I have to try to deduce your identity through your various interests? Now which one of these ladies could possibly like pina coladas and getting caught in the rain? Hmmm. Other photos do not even show a picture of a human being. Instead of a traditional headshot, you are introduced to a picture of their dog or cat. What exactly is the message here? If I don't like this picture of Bowser then a date is totally out of the question? Or maybe household pets have finally evolved to the point where they are able to use the Internet. There's a scary thought. My favourite photo has to be the infamous "picture cut in two." Where the picture of an attractive woman is placed to the extreme left of the photo and has a mysterious hairy arm draped around her shoulder. Who could this mysterious person be? A former boyfriend? Casual acquaintance? Thoughts begin to enter my mind. How old is this picture? Does a relationship still exist between these two? Are they "just friends?" Emotional baggage I don't even want to take the chance to open. Then there are the photos of women that would give some of the less reputable pornographic publications a run for their money. Do they realize the message they're sending and if they are maybe I should bookmark them for future inspection. Yowza! Unflattering web cam shots. Photos of such bad quality that it's almost impossible to discern if there's an actual human person in the picture. The list goes on and on. Is the future of human courtship? For the sake of the planet I hope not.
Now ladies, if you ever hope to one day ensnare a man through these futuristic
means I suggest you carefully contemplate on the message you're trying
to send. First impressions are everything. That shot of you in a pie-eating
contest is just not going to cut it. Nor is that picture of you cut from
the high school yearbook going to be sending the most honest of messages.
A simple picture. Nice head shot with a pleasant smile. That's all I ask.
How hard is that?. As for myself I'm going to lead by example. I've got
a photographer from Rolling Stone magazine coming right over shortly,
so I'd better start shaving off my chest hair.
Got Something You wanna say to this Guy? Say it Here!or mail to:christian@boldopinion.com
