I’m not going to fool myself. The savory flavour of being an internet celebrity is definitely a tasty one. There are not many people out there who can claim the juicy rewards that I collect on a daily basis. Discount coupons at various fast food establishments, unbelievable savings on batteries, free haircuts (mention my name at Frank & Jimmy’s Barber Shop and get a free comb!) and of course the adulation of possibly hundreds of internet readers. It goes without saying that I am definitely living the proverbial “good life” at the moment. But I’m realistic. I know it’s not going to last forever. Like some famous quotation guy once said, “Fame is fleeting.” So when that fateful day comes, when my readership has dwindled down to a couple of my relatives and my paperboy, I will step down. I will realize that my time has passed, I will hang up my keyboard and move on. Maybe a career in lumberjacking or possibly I could pick up my former career as a household pet caricaturist. But I will never return! I’m sure the temptation to recapture past glories would be tempting, but how pathetic would that be? Hey Internet! I’m back! Remember me when I used to be unbelievably popular? Well I’m back again here at www.evenbolderopinion.com, ready to show you that yes, I still am completely out of touch and yes, I do not realize that nobody really gives a rat’s ass. This will not be me. I’m not going to play the role of the former celebrity clamoring for just one more taste of the limelight. Resorting to publicity stunts and other parlour tricks just to get my face out there. You know the ones I’m talking about don’t you? You don’t?! Well, without dwelling on the ramifications of actually hearing your response while typing up this article, let me run down some of them for you.

The Coattails Of Co-Stars Misery – This has got to be the lowest of strategies to regain the shine on that otherwise fading star. Have you ever noticed that whenever a celebrity dies or is in some kind of trouble their former coworkers seem to crawl out of the woodwork of their now dull and unfulfilling lives to put their two cents in? Remember last year when John Ritter died? Suzanne Somers was talking to any microphone that was shoved within ten feet of her. But the funniest bit of news footage I saw, was when Joyce DeWitt held a press conference. A press conference? The podium, the microphones and small collection of reporters there to transcribe the eagerly anticipated statement from “Janet” on the death of her former costar. I’m not exactly sure what she said but I think it went something like this, “I’m deeply saddened by John’s death, our lives will never be the same and you can see me for the next two weeks at the Burbank Dinner Theatre, playing Linda Loman in Arthur Miller’s Death of a Salesman. The veal is excellent.”

Publicity Stunts – Now normally this isn’t a ploy executed by former celebrities, but is more or less the death throws of a current celebrity realizing that maybe their time in the spotlight is just about up. Who better to emphasize this point than the pop diva herself, Britney Spears? Have you seen the news lately? Does she even sing anymore? Britney gets married, Britney talks about Justin’s penis size, Britney kisses Madonna, Britney’s getting sloshed on banana daiquiris all over town, Britney’s new song is about masturbating. Good grief! Somebody’s got to pull back the reins on her publicity agent. Pretty soon were going to be reading headlines like, Britney finds Osama and Britney might have a cure for hemorrhoids. My name is Britney Spears, please don’t forget me when I’m gone.

Posing For Playboy – This one of my personal favourites. Sure it sounds a bit seedy, but I like looking at nude female celebrities. Particularly the ones where the celebrity volunteers for a pictorial. Well of course I’m not totally against looking at those long lost art photos but there’s something sadistically sweet about gazing at some former movie, TV, music star making that last ditch effort to reclaim stardom by showing off her gazongas. I’m not sure what the logic behind this is. “My God, Kristy Swanson has bared her naked bosom! I almost forgot about her! Doris! Get her agent on the phone and let’s sign her to that three picture/talk show deal we were going to offer Julia Roberts. Kristy’s boobs have shown me the light!”

Sell Out – The various arenas’s that showcase a celebrity’s last stand. The game show, the infomercial, the cameo on a failing sitcom, etc. If you see Leonardo DiCaprio being asked if he wants to keep what he’s won or take what’s inside the box you might want to ask him to try the nearest fire exit and save what little credibility he has left. If you’re looking through your TV Guide and see special guest appearance by Robert DeNiro on a brand new episode of “According To Jim” you should probably watch “Raging Bull” instead and preserve the memories you have of a formerly outstanding film career. Sure these are extreme examples, but doesn’t it bring a little tear to your eye when you see former mega star Chuck Norris pushing the Total Gym workout system to a nation of unfit zombies? C’mon Chuck! You starred in “Delta Force 2 – Operation Stranglehold” for crying out loud! What happened?