I just got back from THE WORST movie of the century. You guessed it: Hulk. The first thing to greet me in the film was annoying transitions from screen to screen: the foolish producer thought it would be a great tactic to slice up the screen into rectangles and zoom in on random objects like exploding frogs. It makes me so sad when I see the tools that go into making a good movie so abused by unadulterated stupidity. As though this were not enough, the line of characters presented grew increasingly ugly by the second. I think the producer must have something against hot men or men with brains as the movie deprived us of even one good looking man. Instead, we get possibly the ugliest man alive, who transforms periodically into a cheesy looking playdough toy with a temper problem and the magical ability to grow purple underwear. It's pretty sad when the guy looks more appealing as a freak than in his natural form. Also, it's not like you can sympathize with this character either - how many people have psychotic, white-trash fathers who have a power complex on the side but who also gentically engineer things in their spare time? But I must give it to Nick Nolte, he truly had me laughing to tears when he sputtered like a lunatic in front of his son explaining his warped psychology - and I cannot say I didn't enjoy seeing him electricute the crap out of himself. Perhaps the only perk in the movie, apart from a brief interval of time when I thought the bastardly Hulk was finally wiped out of existance. I mean, I understand people get angry - but what on earth is the deal with the "I like it"? I wonder what the woman has got to be thinking when she hears this - "yes, I like to go killing people, I'm totally out of control - but you know what...it's a blast, you should try it some time! come destroy everything in sight with me!" I thought Jackass was bad, but this I think taken senseless violence to a new level: the level where we are supposed to sympathize with it. Also, what on earth does this beast learn from all his experiences? He winds up among what my cousin described as "Cuban drug smugglers and gorrillas." Well at last he has found his place - I think I would be offended were I a Cuban drug smuggler. Oh what else - this movie was so filled with crap it's hard to choose what to relate first. Oh yes - and the closing scene - (I am trying to forget this thing, but I have not managed to forget the ending yet) well, it's beautiful. We learn that though Hulk has lost his destructive capacities - not to worry, he's still a bastard inside. But you had to laugh at the poodle though - I suppose this must be the repressed wish of the producer - to beat the crap out of a poor little innocent dog - however, he can't very well do that in front of the American public (at least not this time) so he did the equally sick action of turning it into some kind of ferocious, overweight beaver. I know it was supposed to be scary, but seeing this buff green beast beating up dogs I just had to stop and think - okay, now I know this producer is on crack - but is this really what guys want to be doing inside? Being a fat green huge dog beater? And I started laughing in these scenes and oddly enough, I wasn't the only one. The few of us who managed to remain in the theater for the whole thing (there weren't many but a few of us remained just to see how bad this thing could get) were laughing to tears off of our own puzzled expressions and off of the stupidity before us. Especially Nolte...man, half the time I thought he was talking exactly as though he had just returned from an opium trip or something. And that whole shpiel about taking over the world...anarchy...you know, they say these actors play themselves...and if so, Nolte is a fricking lunatic and ought to be jailed - pronto! But I must admit his whole little speech about "them" - society - US in the audience - was highly amusing. We are bastards you know? We ruined Hulk's wonderful murderous streak. Shame on us. But from all this, I found something admirable. I'll give the preview people this: they sure know how to advertise and decieve. Those poor, overstressed geniuses: they took an utterly shitty movie and managed to make it sound like something not merely tolerable, but that you'd WANT to watch, without demanding your money back or wanting to file for emotional damage either. And it inspired me: it really did. After watching to pitiful condition of the American movie industry, I am half motivated to go and make a movie myself. So anyway, that is my adventure for the day: but I encourage you to watch it and take me up on it if you think I am wrong.

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