After an entire weekend of watching all of these films I've been able to formulate some clever strategies that should give me a clear advantage in my romantic conquest of the fairer sex. Let me run some of them by you.
1) Find A Prostitute - I must find a beautiful woman who sells her body on the streets for money. The key to this situation is that the prostitute must have a heart of gold and long for some kind of escape from the lifestyle that she currently is trapped in. I will play the role of her knight in shining armour who will sweep her off her feet with my worldly style and grace. Once we've both had proper inoculations, the romancing can begin. This is a viable plan but may require large amounts of money and numerous visits in order for the "sweeping of the feet" portion to take effect.
2) Meet My Opposite - In this scenario I must find a woman whose personality, mannerisms, and beliefs are totally opposite of my own. I will continually interact in social settings with this person many, many times over, despite my instincts to run for the hills. After countless hours of arguing, calling each other terrible names and having abominable dates, one evening we will suddenly look into each others eyes and fall helplessly in love. For some inexplicable reason all of our previous differences will be cast aside to formulate a loving and healthy relationship. Love does work in mysterious ways I suppose.
3) Masquerade As A Woman - This is a very difficult undertaking. This plan requires myself to befriend a woman I'm attracted to while disguised as a woman. In my female persona I will delve into the inner workings of my "girlfriends" mind trying to gather valuable information that will help me when I date her in my male persona. At a certain point my masquerade will be revealed to my sweetheart's delight, knowing that her best friend is also her lover, casting all questions aside about cross dressing and moving on with this healthy relationship. The difficult part of this plan will be to find size 13 high heels.
4) Bookworm To Super Star - Pretty simple plan. Find a young woman who is physically unappealing (horn rimmed glasses, sweats, no make up) and lacking in vibrant personality. Give her a total make over creating an unimaginable beauty that anyone would fall in love with. She will be so thankful that she can't help but fall in love with me. The real trick is not too make her too beautiful otherwise she may cast me aside, leave her library job forever, and pursue more loftier pursuits such as writing a web column. One day when she's knocked off her high horse, she would come crawling back to me. I don't think I'm willing to make that kind of investment, besides I'm terrible at doing makeovers.
5) Natural Disaster - Somehow I must find an attractive woman and get ourselves trapped in situation where possible escape is unlikely. For example, stuck in an elevator during a fire or trapped on a desert island with hungry cannibals lurking in the jungle. We will argue at first, trying to solve our difficult situation then eventually at our darkest moment we will look into each others eyes and fall madly in love. At this particular moment we will somehow be magically rescued free to pursue our new found love. This is my favorite plan. It has a real romantic feel to it. The only problem is finding a way to get trapped on a desert island or get caught in an elevator during a fire. This may take some rethinking.
So what do you think? If I follow these strategies carefully I'm pretty sure cupid's arrow will be hitting me sooner rather than later. Now if you'll excuse me I got to get back to my Internet chatting. I've been chatting regularly with some young lady called "CutesyGirl32", she's so much nicer to talk to than that horrible female world-renowned web columnist next door. God do I hate her, I don't think we'll ever get along.
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