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It
was a cold winter day as I carefully drove my Cadillac convertible around
my neighbourhood. I was taking Ol' Betsy to the garage to get the convertible
top fixed. It had been stuck in the "down" position ever since
I had the privilege of chauffeuring Santa Claus in our local Christmas parade.
Now normally, Santa usually rides in the classic reindeer and sled float
but due to some Buddhist anti-Christmas extremists the float was no more
and Ol' Betsy was the only option. This years Santa had apparently filled
out his classic red and white suit to greater extremes than he had for previous
parades. As he straddled his posterior on the top of my convertible roof,
this jolly old elf slowly crushed the framework of the roof giving out candy
canes to sugar starved children along the parade route. Hence my journey
to the garage. Now I don't know if you have ever driven a convertible with
the top down during the wintertime, but let me tell you it can get a bit
chilly. As I made my way to the garage, the winter cold began to quickly
get the best of me. I stopped through a McDonald's drive thru to get a large
black coffee to warm myself up. As I pulled out of the drive thru, I could
feel the bitter cold slowly numb my ears and face. I cursed myself for not
wearing one of the many knitted winter hats my mother made me. But why would
I need a winter hat when I had a cup of hot coffee in my hand? I immediately
took the top off my coffee and proceed to pour the entire cup all over the
top of my head. Yeaargh! I quickly pulled over to the side of the road and
clutched my head in pain. I couldn't understand why I was in so much pain
until I was able to catch a glimpse of the warning label on the cup. PLEASE
BE CAREFUL. COFFEE IS EXTREMELY HOT. I painfully slapped my forehead and
wished I had read the label first before embarking on my attempt to raise
my body temperature. My new priority was to find the nearest walk-in clinic
so that I could see a doctor about relieving me from my torturous pain.
Thankfully, the doctor was able to provide me with a jar of analgesic cream
that would help reduce the pain of my throbbing scalp. I opened the jar
and examined the contents within. The cream kind of reminded me of onion
dip. I took a quick sniff of the cream, plunged two of my fingers into the
cream and placed a dollop of this medicinal balm inside my mouth. I began
to notice two very interesting details. One, the cream in no way whatsoever
tasted like onion dip and two, my tongue began to slowly swell to a much
larger size. As I carefully maneuvered my tongue into a better position
for breathing purposes, I picked up the jar for a closer look and came to
realize a startling fact. BALM IS FOR EXTERNAL USE ONLY. DO NOT TAKE INTERNALLY.
Good grief! What was I thinking?! I unknowingly slapped myself in the head
again and decided it was in my best interests to just call it a day and
head home. It felt good to be back home and I quickly jumped into the shower
so I could remove all the coffee and analgesic cream from my hair. As I
vigorously massaged the shampoo into my hair, I realized I had better make
an effort to remove the elements of dried up coffee from the little nooks
and crannies in my face. I poured a little more shampoo into my hand and
began to quickly rub it all over my face. Yeaargh! I clutched my eyes in
pain, stumbled and fell out of the shower onto the floor. The room began
to spin uncontrollably. Just before I was about to pass out I was able to
make out the words on the back of the shampoo bottle that had fallen beside
me. AVOID CONTACT WITH EYES. Must read label….
Advertisers and products seem to be going to greater extremes these days
to basically cover their asses. Now when I say "cover their asses",
I mean protect themselves from any kind of litigation that could possibly
cost the company a serious amount of money. Protection from greedy, single-minded
individuals who look for any excuse to suck serious amounts of cash from
the coffers of these large companies with frivolous lawsuits. This fear
has grown to such a degree that even the most obvious of warnings can
be found on certain products. Coffee that must have a label warning the
customer that their coffee will be extremely hot. Hot coffee? Really?
Who'd a thunk it? You mean I shouldn't take this scorching hot liquid
that is currently warming up my hand and proceed to guzzle it down before
letting it cool off a bit? "AVOID CONTACT WITH EYES" and "NOT
TO BE TAKEN INTERNALLY." I think one of the first lessons you learn
as child in primary bathing techniques is basically soap of any kind near
the eye region can be quite a painful experience. Call me stupid, but
when I'm in the kitchen preparing myself a soothing alcoholic beverage
one of the last thoughts that enters my mind is "You know this Bloody
Mary might be ever so much more tasty if I added just a touch of 'Drano.'
These warnings have permeated our television broadcasts as well. Whenever
you see a car commercial with the latest sporty number racing down a treacherous
wet mountain highway you can barely make out the little disclaimer at
the end of the advertisement. ACTIONS PERFORMED BY PROFESSIONAL DRIVER.
PLEASE DO NOT ATTEMPT. Once again, I would hardly think that by purchasing
this vehicle that it would magically transform my once mediocre driving
abilities into the driving skills of say Michael Knight of the renowned
television show, 'Knight Rider.' Of course then I would have to sue the
automobile manufacturer for not providing me with a talking car.
As much as I would like to believe that we as a people have a certain
degree of common sense, it seems that the unmitigated greed or general
outright stupidity of others seems to say otherwise. It's come to the
point where we have to be treated like children by…*shudder* the
advertising industry. An industry whose main purpose is to provide a simplistic,
clear message to a particular demographic. Now tainted by a bunch of morons
who can't tell the difference between a donut and SOS pad. We've landed
on the moon for crying out loud and yet we have to have Mr.Clean tell
us not use his cleaning products as aperitif's. It makes me so friggin'
angry! What is the world coming too? I need a cigarette. Hmmm.
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