Why do the remnants of an outdated government system still exist on this planet and better yet, why in the 21st century? On a world where we're sending shit out into outer space exploring the never ending universe, inventing fantastic life saving technological devices, making the world a better place and yet we still have these pointless icons sitting on meaningless thrones and throwing half-assed waves to a drooling mindless public while being drawn in horse drawn carriages?! Queen Elizabeth, who the fuck do you think you are and why should I care?
At the end of the day when I get home from a hard day of toiling in the fields of web columning, the first thing I do is unload the pocketful of change that has been making me walk lopsided all day. And there she is! On every fucking coin! That ghastly profile of Queen Elizabeth II! Reminding each and every one of us how her whole goddamn family lucked into the fact that during a certain period in history, many, many years ago, they were the top dogs and they could have you licking their iron boots if you didn't give them the proper respect. Thankfully enough however as the planet evolved, the parliamentary system grew stronger and reduced the powers of the monarchy to the historical figureheads that they are today. In this day and age what does being a king or queen actually mean? I'll tell you what. Fuck all. They represent an outdated political system that has pseudo political powers in today's modern society. They can't make laws. They can't change laws. They can't declare war on anyone nor can they do much of anything else. So what do they represent to us know? Once again, fuck all. All they've become is this incredibly wealthy family that has been lucky enough to establish themselves as these vaunted icons of nothingness, tourism cash cows for the uneducated public who take snapshots of their gaudy palaces, and symbols of a place in time that thankfully has passed us by. Granted, "The Royals" do use their immense wealth to foster various charitable organizations and that's a good thing. But what else do they do? Oh yes of course I forgot, they also knight people. Ben Kingsley received the royal privilege of becoming SIR Ben Kingsley on December, 31st 2001. What a fucking honour! What exactly is the benefit of becoming a knight? What new responsibilities does one acquire when becoming SIR Ben Kingsley? A suit of armour? Special double secret royal quests? I'm pretty sure the last time I checked there wasn't many fire breathing dragons left to be slain. Maybe it gets you "all you can eat" privileges at the Buckingham palace buffet table. Mmmm, all the fish and chips you can eat! Sign me up! How do I become part of this exclusive club? Is there a secret handshake?
The Royal Family has probably got one of the sweetest deals on the planet going. If you're born or married into this family you've pretty much won the lottery. Take Prince Charles for instance. What is his job? What does he do? Here's the big surprise, he has no fucking job. No job! He's just a lucky fuck that just happened to be born into this family that will be incredibly rich for generations to come thanks to the backbreaking labour performed by his loyal subjects generations ago. Now this family has solidified themselves a life of luxurious comfort thanks to the romantic idealists who wish to preserve the remnants of a society that once existed. I'm trying to imagine what it would be like being British, standing outside in the cold rain watching the Queen drive into Buckingham Palace, getting all excited about her actually giving me that "royal wave." I don't think I could get excited. I'd be asking myself who the fuck does she think she is? I mean a big thanks to your ancestors for establishing the foundation but I think we've got a handle on it now. Do we really need to have your face on all of our money? Do we really need to go nuts every time one of your friggin' family members gets hitched? I mean for crying out loud, it doesn't seem like the sanctity of married life lasts very long anyway. I mean Fergie's selling plates and hocking diet regimens for crying out loud, but is still a member of the grand tradition that is the Royal Family.
I don't need the Royal Family. They are an outdated concept that plays no role in today's modern society. They have no power and are only a symbol of a time that has passed us by. If it were up to me as a proud Canadian, I would take Queen Elizabeth's face off all of our currency. Take it off! Substitute it with national landmarks, anything! I understand the historical impact that this family has had on our country and I can respect that to various degrees, but look what they've become. This bastion of family values has evolved into the modern day dysfunctional family, with divorced fathers, shunned and disgraced former wives and pot smoking kids. Instead of idolizing these traditional blue bloods we should be trying to get them to start their own reality television show.
NEXT WEEK ON "THE ROYALS"
Prince Charles: Mother, may Camilla stay the night?
Queen Elizabeth II: No.
Prince Charles (sipping tea): Alright.
Riveting stuff...
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