So for those of you who don't know, I had to quit drinking a few months back for medical reasons. Well those few months went by and it seemed like I would be able to start drinking again. HALLELUHIA! Not like I need to drink, but come on any given night of the week I could be asked out for a couple pints. And I like beer, I mean I drink beer like some people drink water, I just happen to really enjoy the taste. I enjoy beer more than coke, or coffee, god I hate that shit. So I dove back into drinking like a man stranded in the desert.
Well now another couple of months have gone by and it looks like I need to quit drinking again. There is the reassurance of this medical condition which is one thing, but the other thing is … I don't like it anymore. Yes my little ones, you heard me correctly I don't like to drink anymore. I mean I still love the taste of beer, but god what it does to your body. I used to have some beers at home, go out have a couple pints, and then go out all night drinking and partying and wake up with only the slightest of hangovers. Not anymore. In my rush to get healthy and fit I never realized that by quitting drinking my body would grow accustom to the new healthy me. This sucks ass.
I don't have a whole lot of vices so to speak, as I've said before I don't smoke, I don't drink coffee, my only thing I did to excess was beer. Now I can't even do that anymore. I mean physically, it's impossible to do it. I can't drink all that booze anymore. So what's left?
I think it's pretty obvious that people need something like this in their lives, look at how many people smoke, look at all the coffee shops around town. Human beings need a bad habit, something that they do that they know is wrong for them but is a release, or an escape from their lives. Let's face it people, none of us are living the dreams we had as children, we all may have horrible bosses, or landlords who continually fuck up our shit. And that is why we have things like cigarettes, and alcohol, to keep us from flipping out.
Sure there are people out there with none of these qualities, who I'm sure go collecting flowers for the sick to escape their lives. I'm just not that noble or self sacrificing. What is so wrong with wanting to sit down and have a couple pints after your boss asked to read all your emails to a client, or told you how to speak to someone? I'm sure there have been times when you wanted to walk right up to someone and tell them to shove that shit eating grin up their ass, but you didn't. You calmly walked outside and lit up a cancer stick. And that quite possibly saved your job for the time being. Or maybe you drink to calm the voices in your head, either way that drink saves you.
So here I sit, too old to start taking drugs, too unhealthy to drink, too cool to drink coffee, and too smart to smoke cigarettes. So what does that leave me?
I could just start telling people what's on my mind. Can you imagine that, sitting there in your big company meeting, everyone is milling about; the boss is telling you the latest cost saving measure. That's when I stand up, look around and tell the boss that that idea is the stupidest fucking thing I've ever heard. And then promptly walk out and get back to work. Or maybe you're standing in line for the bus, and you see that someone has just walked up in line in front of this angry looking guy. And then I grab the person by the back of the head and ask them if they know how to work a line.
The bottom line is that despite their ill effects cigarettes, coffee, and alcohol serve a purpose. And that purpose is keeping all of you fuckers alive. Because let's face it people, I'm a mushroom cloud laying motherfucker motherfucker, I'm the guns of the Navarone, I'm superfly TNT.
SO SAYETH THE SHEPERD
Downs
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