I mean yes, I understand that current society trends dictate that we all buy specialty this and specialty that. Gone are the days when someone would just walk into a coffee shop and order a black coffee. Do they even exist anymore? Now you have to go into the ultra hip Starbucks and get a Mega Crappa Lappa Fucku Fuckin Latte. I don't even drink coffee and I find this totally bullshit. But come on, can't we draw the line at food? Sure those little biscuits and shit they sell at the Second Cup and Starbucks are fine, what I'm talking about is an every day run of the mill Ham and Cheese sandwich.
The clock struck 1:30, (what am I in Hitchcock movie?) and I was starting to get hungry. So where to eat? There are tons of fast food places around my office but you can only eat so much of that shit. Especially McDonalds, man you want to see food move through a human body fast. DAMN! So I decided to walk to this little catering place that has a storefront also. Now I went here last week and got a chicken caesar salad, pretty simple eh? Well no, the salad was shit and the chicken was cold, who the fuck puts cold chicken in a salad? Despite my salad misgivings, I decided to give these fuckers one more chance at the Downs stomach.
I decide on my way over that to make things easier I will just have a ham and cheese sandwich, nothing too complicated right? Yeah right. Well when Miss Attitude finally got to take my order, I was very specific.
"I will take a Ham and Cheese sandwich, on just plain old fashioned white bread, with just plain old fashioned yellow mustard."
Sure, maybe that's plain to some people, but fuck man that's just a basic sandwich and all I was looking for. Right off the bat I was told it would have to be Sour Dough or Focaccia. What the fuck? You own a sandwich place and don't fucking have plain old white bread? This was not going to be good. I decided to have a half sandwich and a salad, the pasta salad looked pretty good so I ordered up and was out the door back to my office. Despite the bread boo-boo, I was actually thinking maybe I could start to like this place and go there more often.
Back at my desk, I open my little Styrofoam container
and there is my lunch in all its glory. I notice they aren't cool enough
to provide a plastic fork for my salad. I dip my metal fork that I had
to go to the kitchen to get into the salad and have my first bite. WHAT
THE FUCK? How much mayo can be in one salad? Well I think I just found
out. Fuck. I knew it. I grab a hold of the sandwich and sink my teeth
in.
Not bad, but there is something here … CUCUMBER. Who the fuck decided
a fucking ham and cheese sandwich should have cucumber? What fuckin country
thinks this is a good idea? Give me a fuckin break. FUCK FUCK FUCK, all
I wanted was a simple sandwich that has been made time and time again,
all over the world, but no that's just too simple to do. We're going to
add this and add that and make you something totally different. Like those
people who put chicken on a pizza. Who the fuck is you? Chicken on a pizza?
That shit is just wrong.
So out goes my sandwich into the trash. What a fucking waste of money. Even despite my careful and simple instructions it was just too hard to create a simple sandwich. Hey jerk off, not everything you create needs to be a work of art or ground breaking in the sandwich field. I appreciate that you work long and hard on your shit but when I'm fucking paying and I ask for the simplest of things please just give me what I ask for.
Starbucks, you're next.
SO SAYETH THE SHEPARD
Downs
Don't like what I have to say? Do you think I really care? Hit me here.
