Does anyone else out there have the same feeling? Let me explain.
When I was a kid I wanted to be a rock star. I don't mean I wanted to make music, or that I could play an instrument. I wanted to be a singer in a rock band, and I wanted to do it right. I imagined myself getting in a band, signing a record deal, and then making it huge. We would sleep with half of America and live the rock and roll life style. Not only that, I wanted to take all the drugs, have all the fights, and then end up dying in a pool of my own vomit, just like all my hero's. Then maybe there would be a "Behind the Music," special done about me, where all my fans and family balled their eyes out.
OK, so maybe you had a different dream, that's not the point. Somewhere along the way I gave up my dream, and went down a different path. That being said I'm not unhappy, or homeless, or something. I am totally successful, I have a pretty great job, I live in the biggest city in my country and I'm pretty well adjusted. (Ok maybe not the last part)
Then why do I feel this regret or empty feeling in my stomach that I never got to fulfill my dreams? I watch as all my favorite bands are getting a bit more popular again. I am reading books by people who were into the same things as me. Yet here I sit.
It's not that I'm unhappy or not supporting myself. It's just that I am almost 30 now and I guess I am starting to think it's too late. What the fuck is up with that?
And believe me it's not from lack of desire that my dreams seem to have passed me by, I think we just get sidetracked with other people's desires. I wanted to move to LA right after high school and do it. I had the long hair; I definitely have the attitude. (Think I'm angry? Take a look at Axl Rose.)
Instead I went to college, the first person in my family to do so. I was thinking I would get an education then chase my dreams. Problem is after college I was dead broke and had a huge debt to pay off. So I went to work in the field I had chosen. Now 10 years later I am on my way to management with a bright future in the web.
What happened? Did life get in the way? Does that even make sense? Can life interfere with your plans? Well I think that answer is yes, just ask anyone who had a child before they expected too.
Is this a midlife crisis? I mean I've never seen Europe or anywhere outside of North America? All these things, I imagined myself doing as a kid, have never happened.
So what do I do? Pick up and leave? Try to fit my dreams into my current life? Start a band at nearly 30 and try to make it as a rock star? How many old rockers are there out there? Kind of hard to write songs about teen angst when you make a decent salary and have all the toys you could want.
I don't know. Maybe I'm hanging on to something that I think is important that isn't. Maybe I should just be happy in my life and accept the gift's god has afforded me.
MMM…maybe I need to start drinking again and just forget all this deep shit.
Downs
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