Yesterday a doctor told me I had to quit drinking. I am 28 years old, and after years of pounding beers and doing shots I have to stop drinking.
What in the fuck am I going to do now? I don't drink coffee, I don't smoke this was my last vice. Gimme a fucking break, I love beer.
So what am I going to do you ask? Well, I have 17 beers, 1 bottle of vodka, 3 bottles of wine, and a 26er of Jack Daniels in my fridge right now, left over from Christmas. So I am going to drink all of that in the next day or so, then stock up for new years. On that night of all nights I am going to undertake a drinking binge to end all drinking binges, I am going to drink everything I can find with alcohol in it. I'm going to drink cough syrup if it's in the house. There will not be 1 ounce of alcohol left to tempt me to the dark side.
Now most of you are probably thinking, I don't think that is what the doctor had in mind. Well no he didn't but I agreed I would stop drinking after new years. Sure I could do it sooner, but then I might OD from Heroin on new years. You know that the first time you do it they say you have a chance of dying. Now THAT is a drug.
I'm just kidding people, I'm not about to start poking H into my veins. But I ask you, what am I to do? Most of my social life involves booze of some sort, going to the pub to hang out, playing darts, or going out with coworkers. Now at the bar I'm going to be ordering coke. Oh wait I can't have that either.
What the fuck is that all about? I mean everything that tastes good is bad for you? Who the fuck made up this system? I'm going to end up like Bill Cosby from the Cosby show, trying to steal a meatball sandwich from Clare. That's fucking totally insane. We live in a society that shows us all of this cool and awesome shit, but then they say oh you can't do that it's bad. What the fuck is going on here? Can't medical science come up with a way to let me do whatever the fuck I want and still live? I'll tell ya what, instead of trying to make a better computer that is faster and smaller how about we start looking at REAL problems. Cure cancer for crying out loud.
So there you go, in a few short days I am about to be clean and sober. Do I think I can do it? Fuck yeah, that's the easy part. The hard part is going to be resisting the urge to kill all the goddamn people who are going to get on my nerves.
You have been warned.
Downs
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