Now I have done most of my Christmas purchases online. However, there are some things, just some things that you must venture into the mall to get. This is the bane of my existence.
It's the middle of December, so like me I'm sure most of you are set to start your Christmas shopping. Sure some of you may have gone early and gotten everything done. But you people are losers with no lives so fuck you. I mean I have a life, I can't sit around all day dreaming up gifts to get people, especially months before the actual event. I have columns to write, world domination to plot, and beer to drink.
Now luckily I only have to buy a few things, most of the big stuff I have already gotten or arranged to receive. So hopefully my trip will be short and sweet. Riiiiight.
I get up early, like mega early for a Saturday. I get up at 11, rush through a shower and speed off to the mall. It's busy, oh yeah gonna be fun. There are parents dragging their kids, some of them have those kid collars. Where the kid is like a little dog on a leash. Yeah that kid isn't going to have issues when he grows up. There are couples, splitting up so that they don't see what each other are buying. Yeah that works, not like the bags from the stores are labeled. But fuck, (heehee I just said butt fuck) people are moving, and in a hurry, and pissed off.
Taking the escalator up to the 2nd level I nearly get in a fight. Some 80 year old lady wouldn't get out of the way. Come on people I am on a schedule. I bump into her husband in the wheelchair as I dash towards the Body Shop. Oh fuck. Not a good place to go. First the perfume smell nearly floors me as I walk in the door. BAM, like that. My head swims as I push through the throngs of teenage girls giggling over the massage lotion. So what the fuck exactly is the point of this store? This is totally a woman store. I need to get some Hemp Foot Protectors, oh and the Mini Body Butter Trio. Jesus, get me the fuck out of here before my nuts disappear into my body forever.
I get into the line, the 1 person doing the cash seems to not know how to void a purchase. Excellent, in the divine wisdom of the store manager they have decided to put the most junior person on the cash. Fuck sakes. I finally get there after 20 mins, and lots of curses under my breath. Poor thing looks like a truck ran over her. Wait till she gets a load of me.
"What the fuck do you mean the Interact machine is down?"
I don't carry cash. Ever. Fuck that, that's why I use a bank. If I wanted to carry cash I would just keep it under my mattress.
So the manager comes over. Who is this person? She decided to open a store that sells soap for a living. Must have been after she flunked out of flight attendant school. (hope I don't have to fly anywhere soon)
So I was asked to leave the store. Another woman store I am not allowed into. Thank god Shoppers Drug Mart never pressed those charges.
Downs
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