Europe Plans to Issue Passports for Pets

BRUSSELS, Belgium - In an effort to make it easier for pets to travel with their owners in Europe, The European Commission on Thursday proposed issuing wallet-sized passports for dogs, cats and ferrets.

Can you even guess what my first thought was after reading this hot new item? I bet you can’t. Passport photo? Yes, but that wasn’t my first thought. Is the pet’s name on the passport? Yes again, but not the first. My first initial thought was this. Passports for dogs, cats and FERRETS. Ferrets? I guess I was quite surprised to find out that in Europe ferrets as a household pet are predominantly common enough to be included in this new innovative foray into global security. Is some new European fad that I’m not aware of? When did ferrets reach the same level of commonplace as a cat or a dog? Let alone the fact that they are enough ferret owners that travel with them to necessitate a need to be part of this passport program. I’m almost tempted to write an article based on this tidbit alone, but I’m pulling back the reins of inspiration to get out some other thoughts I have on this topic.

Fish, mice and reptiles are not part of this program. I can understand this. Who would travel with fish anyway? I would like to meet the person who cannot get away for a two week vacation without their fish?

“And here’s a slide of my goldfish and I on the top of the Eiffel tower. Next slide. Oh and here am I with Moby trying some fish and chips in front of Buckingham Palace. You can see Moby doesn’t look too pleased in this picture for obvious reasons. Next slide.”

Not that I’m an expert on security, but I think there are some other animals that should be included in this proposed program. What about kangaroos or opossums? Is it not plainly obvious why they should be included? Pockets people! They could blow drug trafficking operations wide open with this policy. Australian drug rings would be crippled! And don’t even get me started on turtles. I’ve seen what they can hide in those shells, I watch a lot of television. If they can hide a gigantic hammers and slippery banana peels in there, whose to say the won’t keep an 8-ball of coke in there as well?

I can only assume taking proper passport photos would be tremendously difficult. Have you ever tried to get your cat or dog to pose for a photo? It’s practically impossible. Plus I would love to see the security check on anyone’s animal at the airport.

“This is your cat …umm…Lord Kittleboots?”
“Yes, it is.”
“I’m sorry, but this photo doesn’t seem to particularly match Lord Kittleboots.”
“Well in the photo, Kittleboots just got back from a flea dip and he was a bit surly that afternoon”
“No but the cat in the photo is brown, this cat is white…”
“He was also playing the mud that day…brown…er…mud…”
“I’m not sure if your being honest with me madam.”
“This is Lord Kittleboots I swear! He has no affiliation with Al Qaeda whatsoever! Oops!”
“Security! We have a code red situation over here! Bring your tazer guns!”