"Hey Bill, great decoupagin' last night buddy! It was crackling! Way to tromploy!"

See what I mean? It's like there's a whole new friggin' language. Secret codewords that are used in conversation, between interior decorators and their dedicated followers. There was one particular word that caught my attention. It didn't sound like a decorating term. In fact it sounded more like a style of kung fu. Being the inquisitive type, I decide to investigate the strange relationship between martial arts and interior decorating. Much to my dismay, I soon learned that Feng Shui has absolutely nothing to do with pulling out your opponents still beating heart and showing it to him before he dies.

Where do I even begin? How about I start with a simple translation. According to "The Feng Shui Society", Feng Shui, translated from Chinese, "means 'wind, water' and traditionally symbolizes the space between heaven and earth - the environment where we live." According to believers in this philosophy, there's all this energy flowing around us called "Chi". Now this mysterious invisible energy flows all around us like…the wind…and the water. Taa daa! But the problem is sometimes the "Chi" can get trapped and cause a serious case of NEGATIVE ENERGY! No God, please not negative energy! Spare the children! Persons surrounded by this negative energy on a consistent basis can find their lives "harmoniously disrupted" or "stress filled". Of course the big question is, how do I stop being affected by all this "bad chi"? Is there a hat I can buy or some kind of herbal ointment? Well believe it or not, one of the main causes of a build up of the dreaded "bad chi" is, get ready for it…misplaced furniture! Now when I say misplaced furniture, I do not mean lost. What I'm saying is that if you feel all stressed out and uncomfortably disharmonious for some strange reason, it could be because your couch is on the wrong side of the living room. Apparently that old couch might be blocking the 'flow of chi' in your living room, so move it somewhere quick before you start getting all cranky and depressed. Man, what a relief. Here I thought all this stuff about taxes, depressing world events, job satisfaction and that unusual looking freckle on my foot were getting me down, when all along it was because my recliner was pointing the wrong way. Who'd a thunk it? The million-dollar question is, how the hell do you know? How can you tell when you've got bunch of negative "chi" sitting underneath the coffee table? Are there special goggles you can use to see it? Are there certain people who are able to see it and can help me with this most heinous of problems? You know, come to think of it, the last thing I need is someone inside my house who has the ability to see 'invisible energy.' Twirling magic crystals in the air and chanting all over the place. No thank you.

I find this whole Feng Shui concept to be an absolutely incredible thing. There are loads of websites dedicated to this philosophy. There are people on this planet who make a living by calling themselves experts in the art that is Feng Shui. There are people who pay other people money to help them with the flow of invisible energy in their homes. Am I only the one who thinks this is insane? I'd like to finish off this column with a little scene that popped into my head.

JOE: All right Miz Jenkins, it's been a tough two weeks but I think me and the boys gots that 'chi' movin' real nice through yer place again.
MISS JENKINS: Oh excellent!
JOE: You may notice that the ummm…stink of dat 'negative chi' has totally disappeared.
MISS JENKINS: Oh yes it smells much better in here! I'm feeling much more harmonious already! How long do you think it will be before my feelings of stress disappear?
JOE: Ah…ummm…I usually give that 'bout a week or two. Just keep lightin' dose dragon shaped incense candles I done give ya. You'll be cleared up in no time.
MISS JENKINS: Wonderful! How much do I owe you?
JOE: Lemme see…ummm…dragon statues, the bagua mirrors, umm….candles, negative chi liability insurance and a couple dozen o' dem magic eggs…carry the two…
MISS JENKINS: Would it be all right if you mailed me the bill? I would like to get back to being at one with the universe.
JOE: Oh sure thing Miz Jenkins, lemme just thank you for using Joe's Feng Shuster's! And remember, invisible energy ain't no problem fer us! Have one of those harmonious days!

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