The time is WWII. A small group of elite soldiers hunker down in their foxhole. As bullets and mortar fire surround them, these brave men make their final preparations for their attack.
Sergeant: All right
men, this is it! Final equipment check! BBQ sauce!
Soldiers: Check!
Sergeant: Meat tenderizer!
Soldiers: Check!
Sergeant: Did anyone bring any hot mustard?
Private: Sir, I did sir!
Sergeant: Excellent. Let's see I've got scalloped potatoes in my kit bag
and my canteen's filled with Gramma Glumpkin's homemade gravy! All right
boys let's show those Nazi bastards who's comin' fer dinner! Attack!
For some strange reason I've always wanted to write an article about cannibalism. I've always found the concept of one human being eating another human being as intriguing topic. What makes a cannibal, a cannibal? In old black and white jungle movies, the heroes were always on the look out for those dangerous cannibals lurking behind every tree. "Watch out fellows, there could be cannibals afoot!" It always confused me. Couldn't these guys find something better to eat other than moustache sporting, caucasian treasure hunters? I'm pretty sure there are plenty of bananas or wildebeests hanging around that tasted a heck of a lot better. I mean aren't human beings at the top of the food chain? Doesn't that mean we can pretty much eat whatever the hell we want? A gigantic list of menu items for us to choose from. So why would anyone want to make all this extra effort to dine on their neighbours ass cheek with a nice Caesar salad on the side? It doesn't make a lick of sense. So I thought that an article on cannibalism just wasn't going to happen. It just doesn't happen anymore in these oh so modern times. Unless another South American soccer team's plane crashes in the Andes again, I doubt that will ever see this culinary practice emerge ever again. Another brilliant topic that will never need to be written. That was until I read one of the headlines at cnn.com on Tuesday.
When I read this news item, I had to slap my own face a few times just to make sure I wasn't having some strange dream. But unfortunately, that wasn't the case. Here's a bit of this chilling story.
"Allegations are
being made in the African state of Congo
that rebels have started to resort to cannibalism."
You've got to be kidding me. Congo has been having serious political problems for many years now. Starvation has been decimating the population due to this political upheaval and now it has come to this. What's even more unbelievable is the fact that these rebels are not eating their competition solely for the need for sustenance. In fact these rebels believe that by eating their own enemies, get this, it will give them power. Give them power? Power to do what? Power to resist severe gastronomical pain? By chomping on a bit of human lunchmeat will they suddenly be able to leap tall buildings in single bound? Able to change the course of mighty rivers? Somehow I don't think so. The rebels also believe that this tactic will instill great fear in their enemies. Well no kidding. Here's an analogy for you. Can you imagine the Oakland Raiders facing the Tampa Bay Cannibals at the Super Bowl? An entire team with napkins tucked into their jerseys, grasping a knife and fork in either hand? Umm yeah, I think that I would be pretty darn scared. Ahh, Coach, I don't think I really need that Super Bowl ring all that bad. I can go to Disney World some other time.
Do I live on this planet? Do I actually exist in a place where these kind of things actually happen? Apparently I do. I'll admit I can be a bit naïve at some times. Sometimes I think that one day this planet is going to get themselves together and we'll all live happily ever after. If that isn't the most naïve thought to ever enter my brain. But when you read about things like this, it only reaffirms the fact it's never, ever going to happen. Public beheadings, criminals being pummeled to death with stones, endless lists of numerous other violent, archaic methods that are still practiced today. Will it ever end? It gets me depressed just thinking about it. What's a world-renowned web columnist supposed to do? Maybe I'll just sit here in the dark and sing that classic song made popular by "The New Seekers."
I'd like to teach the
world to sing
In perfect harmony
I'd like to hold it in my arms and keep it company
I'd like to see the world for once
All standing hand in hand…
Blech! Who the hell am I kidding? God, do I hate that song. Stupid hippies.
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