Mmm…Elephant Penis!
There was a buzz felt through out the boardroom. Many of the top television executives present were squirming in their seats with anticipation. This is without a doubt the most important day of the year for one in their profession. The day the nielsen ratings arrive. The day they receive the results of the television audience research poll. With their breaths bated, only the sound of pens clicking and chair wheels squeaking are heard. The silence is smashed as the boardroom door swings open and the lowly errand boy runs in with the package containing the info they desire. The package is placed in front of Brandon McDictatwhatuwatch the reigning head of the network. "Well ladies and gentlemen…let's see what we got." He says as he slowly opens the envelope. He scans the results before he begins "Okay…according to the research, it has validated a few of our own conclusions. The alien living with the family premise is officially dead. People do not want to watch that. Single fathers raising obnoxious know-it-all teenage daughters is out…". A few motions of disappointment are echoed throughout the room. "But…but… there is a growing interest in single mothers raising tormented, alternative, know-it-all sons." A resounding sigh is heard as many start scribbling notes onto their pads. Brandon turns to his assistant "Set up a meeting with Kirstie Alley for me next week…" he says before returning his attention to the group. "Moving along, cop dramas and hospital dramas are in decline…which isn't good. Umm…teen angst premises, think Dawsons Creek are out. And gutsy female attorney programs are out…that is a surprise to me". Chatter instantly breaks out throughout the room as the executives voice their displeasure with the findings. One executive speaks up "So what do people want to watch sir?" Brandon pauses for a moment and looks down at the report one more time. A hush falls across the room. Brandon clears his throat and utters "according to this, the top thing the majority of the television audience want to see is…real life people trying to eat water roaches."

When as a television viewing audience did we become obsessed with wanting to watch people try to choke down bugs and worms? How many hours of programming a week nowadays are devoted to everyday people struggling to swallow monkey brains and horse semen? First it was Jackass and Fear Factor but now programs like Survivor and Ripleys Believe It Or Not are jumping on the smorgasbord of doom bandwagon. Fear Factor is actually promoting their upcoming holiday edition by claiming contestants will have to eat reindeer testicles and drink 100 year old egg nog. Sounds like a can't miss show huh?!!? What is it about seeing men and women almost vomit that people find so fascinating? "Wow, she stuck that entire pig rectum in her mouth!" This is truly a disturbing trend.

What is worse, the people that actually subject themselves to this torture are doing it on television? The only way I foresee myself ever trying to force down gorilla eyes is if I am a prisoner of war or I am starving to death while lost in the jungle. If I am going through the horrendous process of gagging down sheep intestines I better be in complete isolation. This isn't the sort of thing you want others to see. I can't get over these programs where people actually try to eat live grubs while being filmed for national television. You really have to need $50,000 if you are willing to go through with something like this. Yeah I want every person I know to be videotaping my television appearance where I am going through near death spasms while I choke on coagulated blood balls. Is this really a moment you want captured on film for all your friends and family to treasure?


Did you catch me on television last night?
Sure did, you looked particularly alluring when your eyes were tearing up while you were trying to swallow that dead tarantula whole.

This is just another example of "car wreck" viewing mentality. It is so disgusting yet we can't look away. This new trend is likely attributed to the fact that we as an audience have seen it all. We are so bored with the usual formulas that new programs that are anything less then shocking don't make an impact. It is quite amazing to think that our viewing interests have grown so extreme that there are no limits to good taste anymore. Think about it, people are actually waiting to curl up in front of the television to watch someone try to eat reindeer testicles? The line my friend hasn't just been crossed…it has been triple jumped. The scary thought is what is next? What is the next trend that will sate our disturbing viewing habits when we grow tired of the eating any crap we can find premise? It boggles the mind…lets just hope it doesn't involve Kirstie Alley struggling to raise her alternative teenage son with a know-it-all attitude. Now that would be disturbing!

…but that's just my opinion.

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