I suppose you're going to tell me that that is a heartless way to break up with someone, okay well the Dumpsville thing wasn't the nicest. One thing I've found, and it doesn't matter whom you ask, is that when it comes to relationships people seem to insist on being dumped in person. People feel that they've put in the work staying with you for this long so you should at least respect them enough to tell them to their face that they aren't up to snuff. You always hear people complain that the guy/girl didn't even have the guts to dump them in person. Are we gluttons for punishment? Isn't it enough that you are being dumped in the first place, do you really need to have it done right to your face? The outcome is still going to be the same either way. I guess they just want the chance to look you in the eyes while you pull out their heart and stomp on it.

Perhaps it's just me but I don't understand this mentality. Maybe I'm a loon but if I'm going to be dumped then you might as well do it before the special dump date, no? I would rather you send me a letter saying that you hate my guts with a picture of you giving me the finger than get all dressed up (well, put pants on) and go out somewhere nice just so you can get rid of me in public. It just saves time. Of course like everything there are two sides to each story so I'm going to try and point out the benefits to impersonal dumping for both the dumper and the dumpee.

Mr. Big shot dumper eh? A.k.a. Dumpy Mcgee
So you think you're too cool for school and it's time to move on, you're thinking about how to end your current relationship. You've heard everyone say that you should do it in person, but you just keep saying…butIdohwanna. Breaking up with someone can be a traumatic experience, even for the dumpee. One that can make you sick to think about it. How much better would it be if you could just send them an email or call them on the phone to drop that bomb? You could avoid the guaranteed hours of discussion (well maybe not with the phone) and arguing and the deal breaking sexual advance. Just cause you're breaking up with this person it doesn't make you a heartless, non-feeling robot. If they throw some action towards you, you are probably going to want a piece of that and that my friend will end you up back in the proverbial saddle again. Now if you were able to say drop a dump-o-gram on their sorry ass you could avoid all of that and get on your way. I mean you are dumping them right? You don't want to see them anymore so why do you need to see them now? I know everyone says that you'll be wimping out if you don't but think of the heartache and possible embarrassment that you could save your victim if you said it in a nice card …did I just say victim? I mean we are trying to save you some pain here, do you really need to talk about the reasons? Will it change anything? I guess that's another story.

Song for the Dumped
Now here you are getting or about to get dumped, why on earth do you need to see this jerk's face again? I say let them go and rot in hell. Personally I don't need to see you when you decide to make a special trip over to my place or a date just designed to dump me. I don't need to get ready to go out and maybe pay for dinner then have you end it with me before I get any action…Gimme my money back for dinner you jerk! Personally I would think it would be nice to avoid the personal embarrassment of the 'in person' dumping. I mean how much does it suck if you have to drive the person home after? There's that lovely awkward silence and the complete lack of good ways to say goodbye…save me the trouble please. Send me a candy-gram or something so I at least have something sweet to remember you by, before I rip it apart with my teeth. Do we really need to listen to you explain everything about how you're not ready for this or how you are not 'feeling it'? Not me, let me know it's over and save me the time.

No one likes to end relationships, it's the starting and middle of them that is fun…and the sex. So why do we insist on making the ending so dramatic? Why should we drag out the worst part of it? Take your time getting to know someone, slow it down in bed and explore your partner, but please end it quickly. Don't waste my time, shoot me an email and let me know I'm back on the market. How convenient would it be to get a phone message letting us know that we won't need to meet you at the market tonight or ever again, hey, one less thing. I know some people love those end-of-relationship conversations. They could go on talking about it for hours. Are you one of those people? Are you looking for closure in the last meeting before it's all over? Here's some closure: Read the letter twice.

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