The Fashionable Dictator
You know with this whole Iraq thingy going on, I begin to think to myself…why? Why are we getting ourselves worked up over this Saddam guy? What is the reason that many of our nations are ready to go into this Middle Eastern country guns a blazin'? I've heard all the facts; I pay attention to all the news reports. "He's got illegal chemical weapons that can cause massive destruction." Hey no argument there, chemical weapons are definitely a bad thing. "Missiles! He's got missiles!" Unquestionably, not good. Missiles are definitely not a good thing. "He funds terrorism!" Anybody who funds terrorism is certainly not what I would call a good egg. "Hey man, he's a dictator! This guy is crushing his citizens underneath his iron boot for his own maniacal pursuits!" Once again, another valid point. These are all perfectly good reasons to challenge this mans position of power. But what about the REAL reason. Yes the REAL reason! You must be asking yourself, "What the hell is he talking about?" Well as a world-renowned world columnist it is my duty to shed some light on this whole situation. I'm about to break this whole scenario wide open with my keen web-columning insight. Once you've finished reading my final words, you'll be smacking yourself in the head and say "How could I have been so blind? It all makes sense!" The gist of my theory begins…with a pair of pants.

Ahhh, the enigmatic dictators. They are a strange and cowardly lot. They have been a area of personal study of mine for o' these many years. I've studied them all. Adolf. Idi. Ferdinand. Momar. Manuel. Fidel. Like many dictators, they all have striking similarities. They all use fear as tool for inspiring productivity from their citizens, tend to have the backing of a significant military force and are generally extremely EVIL. But there is one important area that many historians tend to miss. What many people don't seem to realize is that your common dictator has extremely bad sense of fashion.

Think about it. Take Fidel Castro for example. This dude's been wearing the same green fatigues for god knows how many years. Every time you see him, he's smoking that big ole cigar and wearing that 50-year-old army hat. What about Muammar Kaddafi, Idi Amin or Manuel Noriega? All of these guys ever seem to wear is some pseudo military ensemble that just reeks of evilness. Military jackets covered with various mysterious medals for things like most beheadings in a single year or world's greatest despot. Dark sunglasses, bad facial hair, knee-high boots, all of these are the typical fashion faux pas's found amongst your common dictators. If you were quietly sipping a drink in a bar and all of a sudden this guy wearing a beret, jackboots, a military jacket covered with medals, smoking a big stogie were to sit beside you, what would you think? You'd be thinking, "Man do I want to kick this guys ass! Who does he think he is?" This is the subliminal message these so-called dictators are oblivious to as they goose-step their way into our collective unconscious. Their wardrobe is essentially saying, "Hi there I'm a total prick, come and get me!"

Now I'm not one who feels entirely comfortable giving advice to oppressive tyrants but if I had to say something, this is what I would say. Mix it up a little. Try something a little different. How about a colourful t-shirt or a turtleneck sweater? I mean if Saddam Hussein were to be interviewed by Dan Rather wearing a Hawaiian shirt don't you think the publics perception of him might be a little more forgiving?

"Hey Laura (President Bush's wife), you know I don't exactly agree with Saddam's plans for the Middle East, but damn don't he look cool in that shirt? Maybe I'll ease up on that carpet bombing just a tad when we make our move."


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