Greetings, from a world-renowned web columnist! That's much better. Especially the exclamation mark at the end, gives it a little more pizzazz, don't you think? It basically sends the message, "Hey I'm a world-renowned web columnist and I'm very excited to meet you!" Taa daa! Anyway what exactly was I doing again? Oh yes! I was writing a column, so lets get to it!
As I have stated in many of my award winning articles, I receive quite a few emails. Many of them are heartfelt congratulations from my ever-loyal readership, some are extravagant offers from other websites asking me to leave BoldOpinion.com and join their team (NOTE: I cannot be swayed, Bold Opinion is my home) and ninety percent of the other emails I receive are opportunities to see Britney Spears or Angelina Jolie involved in some type of hardcore sexual action if I sign up for a membership today. But recently I received an email from a desperate soul from within the Dark Continent. Yes, the Dark Continent…Africa…home to Tarzan and those evil ivory poachers he hunts on a daily basis. I have received many desperate cries for help in my "Inbox" before, but this particular email tugged so very hard on the strings of my heart that I realized that action must be taken. I will summarize the details in the following paragraph.
I saw the emails subject line and immediately decided it demanded closer inspection. In bold capital letters it read "YOU CAN BE OF ASSISTANCE." As I opened the email and read the poignant words contained within I became lost in a sea of international intrigue and adventure. I was stunned! How often do I receive an email that offers such a great opportunity for adventure, economic experience and financial reward?! I'm sorry, I'm getting ahead of myself, let me summarize the contents of the email so you can share the same excitement I'm experiencing right now! The email was sent by a Rose Kasereka. Apparently, her husband executed the evil president Laurent Desire Kabila of the Democratic Republic of Congo. Rightfully so, I can only assume this former President would make Hitler look like a prom queen. According to her email she specifically states that her husband shot him at "point blank range." Goodness gracious! Now Rose and her son, Mbilolo are desperately trying to flee the country with a box of money filled with seventeen million dollars! Wow! Rose makes no mention of what happened to her husband but has mistakenly deposited this sizeable sum into some kind of account that for some inexplicable reason does not allow her to make foreign investments. Therefore she requires this world-renowned web columnist to help her invest this sizeable amount of funds here in North America. She honestly admits that she does not know me, but guarantees that I will receive ten percent of the 17 million dollars if I help her. Just think of the things I could do with 1.7 million dollars! Granted it's small change compared to the salary I receive from BoldOpinion.com, but still, maybe I could finally get the ball rolling on that memorial statue dedicated to the host of The Price Is Right, Bob Barker. Yes, I realize he's not passed on as of yet, but still it doesn't hurt to be prepared. I mean who else has enough forethought to prepare a memorial statue to "the" greatest game show host of all time? No one! But that project is inconsequential compared to alleviating the pains of my friends in "The Congo." I quickly began writing an email that detailed all of my Swiss bank account numbers, so that I could immediately begin properly investing my newfound African friends funds properly. Seconds before I was about to send out this privileged information, my e-mail program chimed in. "You've Got Mail!" Thankfully I decided to read this new email before releasing my Swiss bank account code Zulu - 456824-452 to my new found friends in the Congo. Remarkably, it was another email from a distressed soul from the Congo! The email was sent by G.U.Mobuto. Apparently G.U is the son of the former president of the Democratic Republic of Congo! What are the odds? He is also on the run with 24.8 million dollars and is asking me, personally, to help him invest his fortune in North American interests. What's a world-renowned web columnist to do? Do I help the relatives of the assassin or the son of the former president? It's so confusing! I knew I should have listened to my father and continued working at the bagel factory. Life was so much simpler back then.
After many, many long hours of deep introspective thought I had come to an important decision. It is my duty as a web journalist to "report" on matters of interest and not become personally involved with them. It would defy the world-renowned web columnist's credo to take part in the delicate political ramifications of "The Congo." So therefore I must abstain from involving myself personally in the recent events that have transpired in the political hotbed known as "The Congo." So Rose and G.U. I wish you all the luck in the world with your prospective fortunes, but unfortunately this is one world-renowned web columnist that cannot help you. Good luck and *sob* God bless. That is if you actually believe in God and if not, please sacrifice whatever particular animal that your God favours in my name.
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