There I was relaxing on my sofa or my Kündduffel as it was named in the Ikea catalog. It had been a long hard day and I was casually finishing a domestic beer, watching another fantastic episode of "The A-Team" on my gigantic screen TV. Although I had only seen this episode 12 times, I was surprised to discover more of the subtle nuances that Mr.T had created in his portrayal of his world-renowned character "B.A. Baracus." Clutching my stomach with laughter after seeing Hannibal and Face liberate Howling Mad Murdock from another one of the many mental institutions he was known to be found, it was time for a commercial. I leapt from the sofa and headed to the kitchen to grab myself another "cold one." As I made my way back to the living room, eased back into the comfort of my sofa, took a sip of my beer and proceeded to spew out a spray of hops and barley across my television screen. I was shocked and amazed by the image that was being displayed across the screen. Momentarily disoriented, I composed myself and realized it was…Anne Murray.
Now normally Anne Murray does not usually evoke this kind of reaction. I have to say; I am one of the famous Canadian songbird's biggest fans. I have enjoyed her early "Hippo in the Bathtub" album and have listened to "Snowbird" over and over again with intense passion. In this case, however, Anne Murray was on my television screen selling her CD collection of Christmas songs.
Christmas songs?! Christmas!? I had to check my calendar. I couldn't believe what I was seeing. It's October 4th for crying out loud! I had just come to terms with the fact that summer was over and now Christmas?! I'm still toying with thoughts of possible costumes for Halloween, I can't be worried about what the heck I'm going to stuff in someone's stocking. Visions of sugarplums have not even entered my head at this point.
Then I began to realize what the motive behind this premature commercial was. The media frenzy has begun early this year. Those cold-hearted bastards in marketing and advertising have fired the first shot into our collective Christmas unconscious. Granted, it's only one commercial, but that's how it starts. Little subtle jabs here and there.
"Hey Ladies, we have a great autumn special on leaf blowers right now, they make great CHRISTMAS gifts"
"Hey fellas, big sale on ladies leather jackets with quilted lining are on sale right now and you know CHRISTMAS is right around the corner."
We're through the looking glass here people. The advertising tanks have begun to slowly roll up to the front lines. You know once November 1st comes around and all the Halloween hooplah has finally subsided, the madness will begin. Shopping malls will slowly begin to adorn their shops with the more restrained Christmas decorations. Pine tree limbs, cotton balls, and then POW! Dancing robot Santa Clauses! Red ribbons! Flashing lights! The muzak broadcasting throughout the shopping mall will be all those famous Christmas carols intercut with subliminal messages. Buy! Purchase! Spend! Television commercials hypnotizing us into eliminating our life savings in the pursuit of the joy that is Christmas. Family members, falling off ladders trying to get their lights up on time. Children frantically writing to Santa Claus to ensure that they are not missed when the day finally arrives. Fruitcakes changing hands. Billboards, radio commercials, newspaper ads warning us to be prepared, for the day is coming near. CHRISTMAS!
And it's only November 12th. I have given you fair warning. Be prepared.
You think it was bad last year? It will be worse this year. I recommend
you brace yourself for the unmitigated joy you will be forced to receive.
After all….IT'S CHRISTMAS TIME!!!!
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