No Nascar, J'lo, Boobs, or Kazaa Today!
As a world-renowned web columnist, I pride myself on my integrity, keen insight and intestinal fortitude. My work speaks for itself. Where else on the Internet are you going to find stimulating articles on cannibalism, hair cuts, Ikea or soccer hooligans? I write the words that the whole world wants to read. So when one of the BoldOpinion editors came storming into my office one morning, I thought nothing of it. I looked up from my computer and smiled. His furrowed brow, clenched fists, red eyes and gritting teeth spoke volumes to me. As the billows of steam from his ears began to dissipate, I had a pretty good idea of what to expect. It was probably another article of the month plaque or a hearty slap on the back for a job well done. Oh good grief! Could it be? Have I been nominated for an International Web Columning Award or a "Webby" as we in the industry like to call it. Much to my chagrin, it was none of these things. My editor slapped a giant ream of paper onto my desk and there they were. The numbers. Statistics from our service provider that give specific information on how well our articles have been doing. Believe it or not dear readers, my numbers…*sob*…haven't been good. According to my editor I haven't been covering any of the so-called "hot topics" lately. That maybe instead of writing about the evolution of process cheese I could write something about the physical characteristics of Hooter's waitresses? Or put together a controversial piece that dealt with the consumption of various popular alcoholic beverages? As I heard these words my blood began to boil. I jumped from my desk, grabbed my editor by the scruff of his collar and threw him out of my office. I explained to him in heated terms that I did not need to pander to my audience with cheap gimmicky tactics. I am a world-renowned web columnist! I slammed the door in his face, sat back at my desk and engaged in some deep philosophical thought. Maybe my readers do not have an understanding of who I am? Maybe if I gave them some insight of what my normal everyday routine was like, they would come to have a clearer perception of what my words meant? So here you go Boldopinionites, a look at a typical day in the life of a world-renowned web columnist. No tricks, gimmicks or "hot topics" needed.

I usually arise at the crack of dawn. Now normally celebrated porn actress Jenna Jameson or Oscar winning Julia Roberts spends the night, but unfortunately this was not the case. Slipping in to my slippers and silk robe I go to the front door to pick up my daily newspaper. Just as I open the front door, my trusty paperboy, Osama Bin Laden just happens to be delivering my newspaper at that very moment. I smile at Osama as I grab the newspaper and begin to question his parents thought process when naming their child. Such a strange name for a child whose parents are obviously North Korean. I don't worry too much because I know this kid's a Survivor. Removing the bulk of letters from my mailbox I come across an invitation from my good friend Demetrius. Looks like I'll be going to a Big Fat Greek Wedding this summer. That should be fun. I walk back to my spacious kitchen and cook myself a hearty breakfast. Nothing like Thomas's English Muffins covered with Kraft Cheez-Whiz and a hearty cup of Maxwell House Coffee to start the day. I systematically scan the newspaper for future columns and notice an article on the career of Clint Eastwood. He truly is an American Idol. After finishing breakfast, I'm off to the bathroom for a quick shower and shave. Every morning I'm flabbergasted by how washing my hair with Clairol's Herbal Essence shampoo can make me feel so refreshed. Fantastic! Carefully drying off my most delicate of appendages, I stand in my walk in closet and decide what to wear. I resolve to wear my favourite khaki's from The Gap, a fashionable rib-knit wool blend sweater from Old Navy and a moderately priced pair of shoes from Payless. Realizing how late it is, I rush down to my four-car garage and endeavor to try to make it to the Bold Opinion offices on time. The real question is what should I drive today? Will it be the 2003 Ferrari 360 Challenge Stradale, the Dodge Viper SRT-10 or my Honda Accord? Considering how bad rush hour traffic can be I realize that my Mercedes E320 should do just fine. As I fight the endless miles of bumper-to-bumper traffic I resolve to listen to the radio to help take my mind off the tedium of my journey. After listening to such songs by popular rap artist, 50 Cent, the sparkling Christina Auguliera and the timeless Britney Spears I have magically arrived at the offices of Bold Opinion. I race into my office and turn on my trusty Dell Precision 450 computer. Hours of deep columning thought pass with my forehead resting comfortably on my desk, when my assistant comes in with lunch. Mmmm…nothing like a Red Wine Vinaigrette Club Sandwich from Subway to take care of those midday hunger pains. I thank my trusted assistant George Bush for the meal and I begin to wonder why his name sounds so familiar. The rest of the afternoon is filled with furious keyboard action as I finish off another brilliant article. I look at my Rolex and suddenly realize that my workday has ended. I jump back into my car and head home. As I drive home, a smile comes across my face, as I know there's an icy cold Budweiser waiting for me in the fridge. Ahhh…Budweiser, they truly are the King Of Beers.

So there you go! A fascinating column on the life of a world-renowned web columnist. No need for flashy tricks or sordid, Jerry Springer like topics to make this column interesting! Far be it from me to pander to the masses with articles about the NBA, Joe Millionaire, Iraq, Al Qaeda, the United Nations or Avril Lavigne. I am a man of principle! So damn you Bold Opinion editors! I'll let my words speak for themselves! Now if you'll excuse me I have to relax. I think I'll play some Grand Theft Auto - Vice City on my Playstation 2. It looks so good on my Sony 42" Plasma WEGA™ Integrated Plasma Television.

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