"In the future, everyone
will be famous for fifteen minutes."
- Andy Warhol
The life of a celebrity. It's tough to be a forgotten celebrity these
days. You've experienced the dizzying highs and the disappointing lows
of stardom. One day you're the guy who was doing that thing that everyone
couldn't get enough of and now you're the fella that everyone seems to
laugh about. I feel great pity for these celebrities. The Gary Coleman's,
the Emmanuel Lewis's and the Jimmie Walker's. They were once top of the
heap, kings of the world, leaders of men and in the span of a heartbeat,
their worlds came crashing down upon them. So if you're a celebrity with
nowhere to go what do you do? In the olden days you had many options.
Self-deprecating movie cameos. Guest spots on other sitcoms. Infomercials.
Dinner theatre. The choices were endless. Nowadays, however, it seems
that the price for losing ones "fame quotient" has taken a darker
turn. What happens when your fans don't care anymore? After riding the
wave of stardom only to be thrown against the rocks of obscurity, what
do you do? If no reunion shows are slated for your immediate future what
options do you have? It seems that in the new millennium, if your star
has dwindled, your adoring public has lost interest, you have only one
option and that is to FIGHT!
In this day and age the price of losing ones celebrity status has taken
a greater toll. Apparently it's not good enough for the viewing public
to let a forgotten star to languish in the realm of obscurity. If you
have disappeared from the media spotlight, it seems the only way to recover
that lost glory is to strap on some boxing gloves and prove to the world
that you've still got the "stuff" to make you great once again.
I've surprised myself for not discussing this topic in earlier columns,
but in light of recent events I find it difficult not to. Celebrity Boxing
II has just finished its recent illustrious broadcast appearance and unfortunately
made the world a darker place for the disenchanted celebrity. William
"Refrigerator" Perry vs. Former NBA player Manute Bol. I divorced
a millionaire Darva Conger vs. Olga (I was in the Olympics) Korbut. Joey
Buttafuoco vs. Former Professional Wrestler, Joanie Laurer. Now here is
my favourite, Ron "Horshack" Palillo vs. Dustin "Screech"
Diamond. Now what exactly is the message that this show is sending to
the viewing public? I think the message is very clear and here it is.
I'm a celebrity who didn't save any cash at the high point of my career
and look at me now. When I should have been putting my exorbitant salary
into wise future investments, I was too busy spending it on chocolate
covered limousines. It's a pretty sad proposition. I can imagine the Fox
executives offering Dustin "Screech" Diamond this opportunity.
"Hey Dustin we've got a new show for ya!"
"Oh, thank god, because I'm at a point in my career where I'm ready
to move beyond the mystique that is Screech. Is it a TV movie or a hard-boiled
drama? I'm ready for anything."
"Actually it's more of a sporting event."
"Oh, like a movie on the triumph over adversity. Kind of like that
football movie 'Rudy?' I've been waiting for a role like this all my life!"
"Actually it's a boxing match where you will be asked to pummel into
obscurity the former star of Welcome Back Kotter, Ron Palillo, otherwise
known as Horshack. We'll pay you $35,000 dollars. We doubt you'll ever
get another serious acting offer ever again."
"I'll do it."
I can only assume that this is the shout out to all current celebrities
who are drinking in the benefits of the superstar river of gravy that
is currently streaming through their celebrity dressing rooms. Listen
to the message. If you happen to be benefiting from the success of having
an illicit affair with a famous person or are currently on a network comedy
show where you are required to repeat a specific line of dialogue during
every broadcast I give you this piece of advice. Save every bit of money
you earn. Save the purchase of that solid gold toilet seat for another
day, because if you start spending your money like there's no tomorrow,
I can guarantee that one day you will get the phone call.
"What would you say to a steel cage match with Rosie O'Donnell?"
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or mail to:christian@boldopinion.com
