Now when I say “give it.” I mean how much friggin’ longer do I have to hear or see something about “the diet of the future?” Atkins this, Atkins that. New Atkins friendly Subway sandwiches! Have a Whopper without the bun! We have lower carbs than they do, so eat us and don’t eat them. Watch those carbs! It’s the way we all should be eating! Blah, blah, friggin’ blah. Would another new diet phenomenon please arrive so I don’t have to hear anymore about goddamn, friggin’ carbohydrate intake.

Now I’ve never been a fan of the diet or a diet. Although after careful self examination, it may be something I should consider. But until they come up with the alcohol and cigarettes maxo-glute-ab-flex-sit on your ass diet, I’m not terribly interested. But if I were to actually attempt to take part in a diet plan, Atkins would definitely not be it. Now before I rant, let me just say that I have not done a lot of research about this diet. All the knowledge I have on this subject is purely based on hearsay, rumours and stuff I’ve heard on the street. So if you’re one of these Atkins heads who realize that I don’t have a complete and full understanding of the glorious diet that is Atkins, you would be absolutely correct. So after you finish reading this article, email me and tell me how wrong I am. I look forward to your responses after you’ve finished eating your bunless hotdogs you bunch of carbohydrate counting maniacs.

That’s one of the things I don’t like about the Atkins diet. “Bread. Don’t eat bread. Bread is not good.” I’m sorry but bread is good. Very good. Light rye with cheese, lightly toasted flour enriched Texas Toast covered with butter, 12 grain covering some thinly sliced roast beef and horseradish. Bread is so very, very good. There’s is no way in hell I could give that up. Of course some Atkins-head (I’ve decided that’s what I’m going to call devotees of the Atkins diet, any better suggestions can be emailed to, Christian@boldopinion.com) would probably let me know that I can eat the bread but only so much of it or I have to give something else up instead. Well forget that deal a meal crap. I eat bread! I like my burgers with buns! I’m not about to walk into my local McDonald’s, order a Quarter Pounder with cheese and quietly whisper, “and…eerrr…hold the bun. Tee hee!” Sitting there at the table eating a Quarter Pounder with a plastic knife and fork like some dorky 7 year old eating just like he’s supposed to because his spastic mother told him to. Beer and pasta are also apparently on the Atkins-heads “DO NOT” list, which pretty much seals the deal for me about jumping on that bandwagon. I love the pasta! I don’t eat it every single day, but I don’t think I could do without it all together. Obviously the same goes for beer. I don’t drink every single day but there is no way in hell that I’m going to go out and look for a substitute. Yeah, there’s nothing like an ice cold Zima after a long day at the office. Bleargh. Of course, with this Atkins craze going on, it’s only a matter of time before the major breweries start putting out the low carb beer. New No-Carb Bud! Carb Free Schlitz! I have a sneaky suspicion that the taste of these new no-carb beers would probably have trouble rivaling the flavour of a tall, cool glass of horse urine. Not that I would know what horse urine tastes like, but I’m assuming lemonade it ain’t.

What else don’t I like about the Atkins diet? I heard you’re not supposed to eat a lot of fruit either? I could be wrong on that one. But I like fruit. Of course I don’t eat as much as I should, particularly oranges. Vitamin C is important. I should eat more oranges. Or maybe I should start taking multivitamins? I’m so out of shape.