My Halloween Does Not Include Apples
When Halloween comes around I think of two things. Parties and the Peanuts Halloween special. I love the Peanuts Christmas special with the little lonely tree they dress up with the decorations from Snoopy's award winning doghouse and the hilarious dance sequence by all the characters for the Christmas pageant, poignant piano plunking playing in the background. The Peanuts Halloween special, however, I find so much more enjoyable. Seeing Charlie Brown in his ghost costume, littered with holes gets me laughing every time I see it. Watching the rest of the Peanuts gang walking away from the first house they trick or treat from and asking what they got. Then finally asking Charlie Brown what he received only to reply…"Rocks." Pure hilarity. Logically, costume parties also have a tendency to pop up around this time of year. Due to the fact that many of us have well surpassed the age of "trick or treating" we take it upon ourselves to relive those days in a more adult fashion. Costumes become a bit more mature, less walking is needed and there tends to be a bit more alcohol involved. I recall one Halloween party I had attended. I was dressed up as a superhero of some sort and desperately needed to relieve myself of the many cocktails I had consumed that evening. As I valiantly tried to loosen my utility belt, I reflected back to the days of my youth when Halloween took a different purpose and perspective altogether.

Free candy! As a seven-year-old kid, I didn't have many interests. Television, comic books, dinky cars, and candy. On any other day of the year, candy was difficult to come by. You would get it from your Grandparents, beg your parents for it, or scrounge up enough pennies to get your own from the corner store. But one day a year, candy was everywhere. A day every single house in your neighbourhood was stockpiling piles of candy behind their doors just waiting to give it to you, for free! It's a kid's dream come true. I waited for this day. I counted the hours when the candy grabbing would begin. I would formulate plans in my head on the best routes in the neighborhood in order to best maximize my haul. For me Halloween could not come quick enough. Unlike other traditional holidays, children do not get the day off school for this blessed event. Malicious parents force us to sit through six hours of schooling before being able to take part in this glorious occasion. I sit in the class trying to get through another exciting adventure of Clifford the Big Red Dog while constantly looking at the clock. Getting pummeled by a series of balls in a heated game of dodge ball while trying to see how much time is left. Trying to grasp the intricacies of long division, I use my subtraction skills to figure out how many minutes left to zero hour. The 3:30 bell rings and hundreds of children explode out of the school racing home for the evening's events. Getting home at 3:31, I realize Halloween is not coming any closer. Now the waiting game starts. Halloween does not begin until it's dark, you start too early and you lose some of the mystique. I patiently wait for the sun to come down. When the time finally draws near, costume preparations must be made. My Mother doesn't believe in store bought costumes and prepares a pirate costume for me from items around the house. A burnt cork beard, eye patch, scarf around my head and I'm the incarnation of Blackbeard himself. Arrrrr! I look like I'm ready for high adventure on the Seven Seas. Ahoy! To top this fantastic costume off, my mother makes me put on my big green hooded winter jacket. Now I look like some kind of pirate arctic explorer. But it doesn't matter cause I'm going to get candy!

Now the getting the candy part is pretty easy. Say trick or treat, hold out bag, get candy. Unfortunately some houses did not grasp the whole concept between "good candy" and something barely resembling a treat. The kind of treat that when it's dropped into your bag, your jaw drops and you pick up the treat out of your bag to astonishingly look at what was just given to you. Apples are not treats. Kids get fruits and vegetables all year long. One night of the year they dress up in costumes, walk out into cold night, come to your door and you give them an apple? Besides the fact, don't they know the whole story about the kid who got his tongue cut off because he bit into an apple with a razor blade in it? It's schoolyard legend!

Standard "Apple" drill:
- Receive apple.
- Walk away from house.
- Throw apple as hard as you can against the curb.
- Go to next house.

I remember the odd house that would give out toothbrushes as treats. Toothbrushes?! What would possess you to do that? I would assume it would be some militant dentist's family waging a war against tooth decay on the blackest day for dental hygiene. "No teeth will lose the war against plaque tonight!!!" Homemade baked goods. You worked all day long in front of a hot stove to make your special homemade cookies, rice krispie squares, popcorn balls or whatever. Wrapped them up in plastic wrap, with a beautiful little orange ribbon. Happy Halloween! No one is going to eat them. Could be rat poison in em'. The apple drill does not apply here, just throw them out when you get home. Those little caramel candies that have the Halloween themed wrappers? They stink. Like chewing on the cap of a ballpoint pen, only not as tasty. When giving out candy. Think like a kid. Tootsie Rolls? Good. Little miniature chocolate bars? Great. Regular sized chocolate bars? I'm hitting that house as often as possible. Lollipops? Fantastic. Licorice? Not bad, make sure it's wrapped though. Bags of potato chips? Nice change of pace.

Halloween only comes once a year. Cheap candy does not necessarily mean good candy. Open up your wallets people. You were a kid once. Those 1 cent Kraft caramels are not going to cut it and unless you want a bunch of broken apples sitting on your curb I suggest you splurge on some of those miniature chocolate bars. Happy Halloween!

Got Something You wanna say to this Guy? Say it Here!

or mail to:christian@boldopinion.com