I know you're telling everyone, "nuh uh - not me." But let's just surf right through denial, and click into reality, shall we, people? Everyone is doing it. Even you. I know you are.

Ok. So now that we have all admitted that we are online looking for that special someone, or at least that special someone for the moment, I would like to do the women of the world a service and set the record straight and tell you guys what is - and what is not - appropriate online dating protocol.

I promise to keep this simple for your simple minds.

Rule #1: You never get a second chance to make a first impression.

When you see someone online that interests you, by all means, make a move! But choose your actions wisely. The first words a girl wants to hear from you are not "hey baby", "hey sexy", "you're hot", or "wanna see my penis". Let's remember boys, at this point, you are still a complete stranger. Any of those approaches are the equivalent to a catcall on the street. Any sane girl is either going to ignore you completely, or chat with you long enough to check out your profile and realize that you are both ugly and stupid, and then ignore you.

Instead, why not try, "Hi. How are you today?" I know it seems a little elementary, yet millions of people around the world find it to be a good starting point for conversation. It's simple yet effective; the object of your affection won't be instantly offended and you may actually have a chance to chat with her, and potentially meet her in the real world. Unless of course you are truly stupid and ugly and then you never stood a chance anyways.

Rule #2: Post a photo, and post a photo that actually looks like you.

You know this one seems pretty self explanatory, but you would be surprised. Quite simply, if you decide to post of photo of Brad Pitt's cousin or a picture that is in fact you, however one of you when you were 20 lbs lighter, 10 years younger, or when you had more hair, please don't be surprised when the girl seems incredibly uncomfortable when she meets you or if she simply walks right by your planned meeting spot. How would you feel if the beautiful specimen of Heidi Klum-like proportions turned out to be a fat chick???

'nuff said.

Rule #3: Thow shall abide by the online dating Code of Communication.

Communication between yourself and a girl you would like to hook up with in the real world should be kept to a minimum prior to said hook up.

When you meet someone in person there is either chemistry, or there is no chemistry. What's tricky about internet dating is that very often you can chat with someone for days, find out their life story, even have a load of stuff in common, then meet in person only to find out that there is actually nothing "there".

Don't believe me? Well let me share a little story about Jer.

When Jer and I met online we chatted via email and on the phone for about a month before meeting in person. I liked Jer. Jer was a good guy. When he showed up on my doorstep, despite the bottle of wine in hand (nice move by the way, if you're looking for one), I knew at first sight that he was just not going to work out.

The date ended up being horrible. We had absolutely nothing to say to each other. It was so not cool. It ended up with me bolting while he was in the bathroom. I know, that wasn't cool either. But it really, it wasn't my fault, now was it. He was boring! Tell me - what was I supposed to do?!

In any case, don't waste a month of your - or her time. Use three emails and one phone call as a guideline kids. Any more and you are setting yourself up for disaster. You don't want to be a Jer, now do you?

Rule #4: The truth shall set you free.

This rule kind of echoes the sentiments of Rule #2. If you've already forgotten what Rule #2 is, you need to scroll on back and give 'er another read. Remember, I'm trying to save you from a whole lot of hardships here boys- you need to pay attention.

Not only do you need to be honest about what you look like, but you also need to be honest about who you are. If you don't like cats, don't say you do. If you're not an investment banker, don't say you are. If you're a crazy, lazy eyed redneck who likes beer and hockey, looking for same, just come out and say it.

And while you're being honest, how about trying a little originality? All those guys who are looking for a cute, funny, sweet girl are getting fucking irritating.

Rule #5: The only person who loves a stalker is his mother.

So let's just say you've followed rules one through four and you've actually landed a date. Good for you grasshoppa. Let's go even further and say that you've gone on the date and you have had a good time. Let's take it a giant leap further and say that she has had a good time. Now what?

Well I will tell you now what not: do not stalk her stalker boy. An email to say, thanks I had a good time. Perhaps a phone call a few days later (three days is the standard, if you were wondering). But for the love of god, do not, I repeat do not barrage here with emails telling her your "thinking about her", do not call her and not leave a message, and then call back 10 minutes later (we have this little invention called caller ID now you eejits!), and certainly do not make contact every time you see here online for ever after. Give her some space. If she liked you, she'll get in touch. If she didn't , suck it up big boy and move along little doggy. There are, after all, many more fish in the sea.

So there you have it. That's not so hard to understand right? While I do not guarantee optimal results, I do guarantee better outcomes than you have had thus far. Now get out there and cyber date! May the force - and the Rules - be with you.

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